Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

I have big dreams for my life and since I was diagnosed with MS, it's like I can hear a clock ticking each second of each day as it passes. Another day gone; time I can never get back. I've always been afraid of time. The present becomes a memory so quickly and we spend so much time wondering "what next?" and "I can't wait for..." that the present quickly becomes a blur rather than a moment we took full advantage of.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

For me, the whole "when I grow I want to be..." has become much more present tense and no longer wishful thinking. Right now, I want to be a community health advocate, a college graduate, I want my master's degree, I want to work for a high-profile PR agency, I want to be an entrepreneur, I want to be an author, I want to be a freelance writer, I want to sing, I want to travel and I want to live my life to the fullest. Right now. Everyday I wake up and think to myself, what can I do today that will get me closer to these plans? With that in mind, almost everything I do is purposeful.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Over the past year, I have been making strides to bring my entrepreneurial ambitions to life. My company, Footprint Social Media, will assist small businesses with social media branding through full-scale analysis, strategy, development and finally, consultation/implementation. With the website for my business set to launch this week and potential clients on the horizon, I'm getting closer and closer to this dream.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

While this dream has been at the forefront of my mind for the past year, I have also been taking steps to accomplish other dreams. I have finished a novel that I began in high school and am hoping to get it reviewed, edited and hopefully published on an e-network within the next year. I have started applying for various internships and opportunities that have the ability to bring me closer to my dreams of working for a PR agency and becoming a freelance writer/blogger. After hearing this, so many people ask, "What's the rush?" Well, for me, the future is NOW.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Because of MS, so much is unknown when it comes to my health and what I'll look like in 10, 20, 30+ years. Will I be able to walk? Will I be able to talk? Will I be able to hug my family and friends? While I pray on this often and have been persistently taking my medication everyday, I can't help but wonder about the future and feel like I need to start preparing now. If my health and functioning does dramatically decline over the next few years, I want to have accomplished the goals I had set out to accomplish and not have wasted any valuable time. The clock is ticking and this is a race I do not plan to lose.

A Pat on the Back

A few posts ago I wrote about the verbal-lashing I received from my MS-mentor about skipping out on my daily injections. Although we had only met and spoken over the phone twice, she talked to me as if we had known each other forever and scolded me like she really cared. At the time I was shocked, but it turns out that the shock was exactly what I needed to get back on track.

My MS-mentor had suggested that I make a new personal rule. "Don't brush your teeth until you do your injection," she told me. "Make that your rule." As someone who would never leave the house before brushing her teeth, this rule has really worked for me. It's actually worked so well that I now associate brushing my teeth with giving myself an injection. If I somehow forget about this rule when I wake up, I suddenly remember as I walk to the bathroom with my toothbrush. I am so grateful for this, because it has allowed me to better keep up with the injections as well as my vitamins and weekly medications.

I feel like taking care of myself has allowed me to better trust myself. My mentor told me that you have to give your body a chance to fight against this disease with all its might. By giving my body this fair chance, I feel more secure and less worried about the future. Along with the injections and daily vitamins, I have been able to maintain a positive attitude. With this recipe for success, I think I can finally start patting myself on the back. Before I do that, however, I think I should call my mentor back and thank her for getting me back on track. Sometimes we all need a little shock.

Young Role Models Embrace their Kinky Locks

While many are criticizing the current "going natural" movement as a fad/phase, I am loving the fact that we are gaining so many young role models that are not only comfortable with their kinky-curly locks, they are LOVING them! Last week, Sesame Street debuted a new star with an awesome message to share. This little black girl is passionately in love with her hair and its versatility (as seen in the video), and wants the world to know! In popular culture, rising 9-year old star/phenomenon, Willow Smith, also debuted her first video for her head-banging hit "Whip my Hair" last week. In the video, Willow whips her braids, cotton candy afro, and "bantu knots" around with more pride than many older women can understand.

Young African American girls are gaining so many role models to look to for self-esteem and a positive self-image. With young women such as this cute little chocolate-y Sesame Street star, Willow Smith and Disney's Princess Tiana, I am extremely optimistic about the state of young black girls. Accepting that we don't have to have bone straight or bleached blond hair to be beautiful is a step that many are still struggling to take. This younger generation has not only taken this step, they have gone a step further and embraced what they have already been blessed with. Shoutout to their parents for instilling this at a young age! I think it's time the rest of us take note and do the same. These girls prove that you can be a role model at ANY age.

For the tear-jerking story behind the Sesame Street song, click here.
To view the Willow Smith video, click here.

Watch the extremely cute integration of the Sesame Street girl and the "Whip my Hair" song here!

A Sign from Above

If you know me well, you'll know what I mean when I tell you I'm a sucker for signs. I see signs everywhere. In the random occurrences of the day, I find meaning for life in the simplest and most complex situations and people. Whether it's something as small as a butterfly crossing my path to remind me of that "life goes on," or as big as being lost and led home by a school bus that says (written in the dirt residue on the side) "follow me" (both of these occurrences have happened); it's a meaning that may tell me to go left, to go right, up or down. It may tell me the purpose of a situation or the reasoning behind a life-changing event. Either way, while this may sound superstitious, it's these signs that I consciously (and subconsciously) live my life by.

I met my most recent sign when I joined the Gospel Choir a few weeks ago. Right after the very first rehearsal, we joined hands and the choir president asked if there were any prayer requests. My sign raised her hand (let's call her Jasmine). Jasmine told the group that her mother suffers from MS and hasn't been doing well since Jasmine left home. She asked for our prayers. Immediately after practice I approached her and told her that I also have MS and would be praying for her mom. She looked at me in awe. "But you're so young," she said, obviously confused. I could feel her staring at me as I left practice.

Every practice, she would talk about her mother and tell details that sometimes made me uncomfortable. "My mom has really been having trouble walking lately. Please pray for her..." "My mom went to the doctor last week and they found more lesions on her brain. Please pray for her..." "I don't know how many of you know this, but my mom has to give herself injections everyday for her MS and she's really been struggling with it lately because her hands are shaky. I think she's going to have to get a nurse to give her the shots. Please pray for her..."

While I did continue to pray for Jasmine and her mother, I couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed by her openness about the disease and uncomfortable about the details she gave. No one in the room knew I, too, had MS and I didn't want them to judge the disease from only hearing Jasmine's sad accounts. Plus, hearing her talk about her mother's struggles did ignite small fears in my own mind. Could that be me one day?

Following each practice, Jasmine would make her way over to me to ask me how I'm feeling. I would always tell her (enthusiastically) that I'm fine and would continue to pray for her mom. Each time she seemed skeptical. Outside of practice, I could feel Jasmine's surprise when she saw me MC'ing for an open mic event, working at my dorm and hanging up posters around campus. She seemed awed by my activity and confused by my optimism.

Before realizing that Jasmine was a bright, flashing sign in my life, I asked God for guidance last week. I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed with all that I'm doing this semester and of all my activities, the Gospel Choir seemed to be the expendable factor. However, while it does require a large commitment, it is one of the things I have been enjoying most this semester. With the choir dues being collected for the last time on Thursday, I asked God to please show me a sign to tell me what I should do.

I walked into practice on Thursday, prepared for it to be my last time singing with this group. I walked in an hour late, expecting to have to wait outside since practice is usually in full-swing by then. Instead, as I walked up the stairs to the practice area I hear someone's loud sobs over the solemn hum of the choir. Everyone was standing and crowded around someone in the middle of the room. I take my place amongst the group, confused. I cannot see who everyone is surrounding so I just bow my head and begin to hum along with the rest of the choir. Suddenly the crowd parts and I see none other than Jasmine. Her face is red and damp with tears as she is overcome with emotion.

My heart drops as my stomach sinks. I'm paralyzed with alarm. Ignoring etiquette, I whisper to the girl beside me. "Please tell me nothing happened to her mom..."

My neighbor whispers back. "Oh no. She stopped rehearsal to come forward and tell the choir how much we've meant to her since she's come to college. She said with everything that her mom is going through, we've given her the support she needed to stay strong. She said there's someone in the choir who has really affected and inspired her through their strength. She wouldn't say who but she said this person has really been a blessing and given her hope that everything with her mom will be fine."

As I listen to this, I make sudden eye contact with Jasmine and I knew. This person who had affected her was me. As she was being enveloped in hugs, Jasmine smiled at me and mouthed "thank you." I immediately felt tears welling up in my eyes. "Okay God," I said in my head. "I get it."

After everyone consoled her, I approached Jasmine and before I could say a word she wrapped her arms around my neck and sobbed. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. As I finally pulled away, I whispered, "I'm really glad I met you." In an attempt to respond, Jasmine let out another loud sob and nodded.

Looks like this choir is where I'm supposed to be for now.

Getting Back on Track

I don't know what's going on with me. I haven't been doing my injections for two-weeks now and I can't really blame it on forgetfulness. To be honest, I've been avoiding it. I'd gotten so used to being "normal" again over the summer, when I was off medication for two-months, that it made it even harder for me to pick up and begin again. This medication has to be injected every day and it leaves me feeling sore for the rest of the day (and sometimes week). It's a pain (literally), so you can't blame me for not wanting to do it...right?

Wrong. This is my life that I'm trying to save and I really am ridiculous for not taking it seriously. I can't give myself any credit.

Unfortunately, this fact didn't dawn on me until today. When I first got on this new medication in August, I requested that the medication company have a mentor with MS contact me for moral support and additional information. A 55 year old woman contacted me and told me about how she had been diagnosed at a time when there was no medication for MS. She joined the trial for the medication in the 90's, and there was not turning back for her. She also told me about three different occasions when she had experienced episodes that left her wheelchair-bound and unable to feed herself. Luckily, she recovered but she believes it had a lot to do with her persistence in administering the medication.

So, along with avoiding the injections, I had also been avoiding this woman's calls. I didn't expect her to keep in touch with me, so when she called once every two weeks, I was overwhelmed. I'm tired of being reminded that I have MS. After missing yet another injection this morning, I was surprised when the mentor called me from a different number this afternoon. She told me she had been worried about me and wanted to check-in (sweet, right?). I was flattered and reluctantly admitted to her that I hadn't been administering my injections as I should.

After admitting this, my mentor proceeded to lay me out. She asked me what was going on...did I care about my future? Did I care enough to give my body a chance to fight this disease? She told me again what she had been through and told me that this very well could happen to me as well if I don't get serious.

"It's time for you to GROW UP, Jessica," she said. "We have to do things we don't want to do in life, and this is one of them. Do you want to wake up one day, unable to walk, see or feed yourself, and realize you never gave yourself a fair chance?"

She shocked me. I had only spoken to this woman once but her compassion and anger surprised and flattered me. This tough love was exactly what I needed. I got off the phone tearful and angry at myself for not taking this seriously. I know the risks, have experienced scary symptoms (not nearly as severe as this woman's, but with the potential to be) and had proceeded as if I didn't care. I raced back to my room and did my injection immediately, promising myself I would do better and probably get counseling soon if my attitude doesn't change.

I'm going to do better and start getting serious about my life. I know things can get overwhelming but my health should obviously be a first priority. She recommended that I make a rule that, no matter what, I would not brush my teeth in the morning until I did my injection. Knowing that I would never dare to leave the dorm without brushing my teeth, I think this will help me prioritize.

I fell of track a little, but I feel like this woman calling me was God's gift to me today. She was the only one that could have given me that message and made it sink in. And although I've never met her, she helped me to get back on track.

Defying MS...Everyday

Want to know how I've been feeling lately? I've been feeling VICTORIOUS. Yep, I've got the victory and I'm so glad I can say that again.

I've been doing well since the semester started, but definitely busy. I decided to pick up where I left off after freshman year. These were the days of naive, carefree, pre-MS bliss. I was involved in too many organizations to count, I exercised in the gym almost everyday and I was able to keep up with the best of 'em when it came to partying. Last year, after being hit with such life-changing (and depressing) news, I fell into a slump. Nevertheless, it was a "Jessica-slump," which means I wasn't exactly slacking...just not doing as much as I usually did. I was a Resident Assistant, a member of the Executive Board for Honors College, radio DJ, etc...but I would also lock myself in my room for hours at a time without realizing how much time had passed. I didn't exercise and I spent most of my time either in my room or traveling back home. I spent way too much time with these thoughts of mind- and with the cognitive effects of the previous medication I was on...these thoughts were not exactly pleasant.

Now, while I have not bounced back from the partying aspect of my younger self (which, looking back now at how much I've been through in just a year, seems light-years away), I have jumped back into the rest of my life head-first when it comes to joining and leading organizations or hanging out regularly with friends. Luckily, with this new medication- fatigue is no longer an issue, and neither is depression. Not only have I re-joined the University gospel choir (once again, strictly for my sanity and peace of mind), I am still a Resident Assistant, I am an on-campus intern for the University's Public Relations Office, chair of the entire Honors College, ambassador of a large-scale community service project taking place in late-October. I'm still involved with campus radio station and I'm even preparing to help host a state-wide Women's conference next week, back at home! Based on where I'm supposed to be right now (as far as feelings go), I'm completely off-track. A doctor might tell you that based on my recent diagnosis, I'm most likely depressed, anti-social and reclusive. I'm probably not doing much right now because I'm too worried about getting stressed and having a relapse. I'm probably not involved in much because I'm too sad.

Well right now, I feel like I'm slapping Multiple Sclerosis in the face by staying active, staying happy and staying optimistic. I'm back in the saddle and I've never been more comfortable. This is where I always have been and where I always plan to be.

I even started running!

It's funny how God works sometimes, isn't it? I was looking at my vision board one day and explaining it to a person in my dorm. She asked my why I had so many pictures of women running, when I had told her that I absolutely HATE and have always HATED running. I thought this was interesting because she was right. Even though I hate running, I've always admired those women who get up and run miles with ease before the sun comes up. I've always been curious about that "runner's high" I hear about. I've always envied the fact that they can get up and just go. When I told her this and told her that one day I would be the same way she challenged me.

"Well, when are you gonna get started on that vision?" she asked.
My mind went blank. "I don't know..." I told her. "One day, I guess."
"How about tomorrow?" she raised one eyebrow and smirked. Before I could respond, she explained. "I'm a long-distance runner," she said. "I ran every morning this summer and I just put together a group of a couple of girls, experienced and inexperienced, to start jogging with me in the morning- Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 5:30 am."

You would think the ridiculous time would have been the deal-breaker right? Haha, well actually I saw this as a new, exciting and scary opportunity to start making this "vision" a reality. I was even able to cross this off my bucket list (which is a big deal, because those tasks are not easy ones to accomplish)! For about a month now, I've been rising with the sun and running three times a-week. I'm far from a pro, but I've been able to impress myself each time. We began with five girls, now it's three of us on a good day. The girl who invited me to come has cancelled a few times...and I still went out to do it anyway! We stretch for five minutes and attempt to run for 30 minutes. After about four weeks, I'm proud to say I can now run for fifteen minutes without stopping. The rest of the fifteen minutes is a run/walk combination, for me. It's been difficult but I'm actually enjoying it! This is the girl who used to get nauseous at the sight of a track and cry from anxiety every time she had to race! This same girl is actually enjoying running! I guess it's mind over matter, huh?

This would make no sense, whatsoever to a doctor. I'm an anomaly. If you saw my MRI, you would not think the person it matched with would even be able to get out of bed in the morning. A doctor would say that I'm most likely too fatigued from the disease to run. I don't have enough energy to make it as far as I do. I probably wouldn't have the emotional and physical endurance to keep moving.

Running is so empowering to me; it makes me feel like I have some power over my condition and it makes me feel like I'm slapping Multiple Sclerosis in the face every time I finish running. When I first started running a couple week ago, I would always say, "I'm not supposed to be able to do this!" Now, I say to MS, "Catch me if you can!" Running makes me feel physically strong and physically able- and best of all, it makes me feel like I'm now one of those smiling, strong joggers that I cut out of Women's Health Magazine!

MS is supposed to stop you from moving...but by staying socially and physically active, I am disproving a medically-proven fact and confusing all the specialists. And, rest assured, I plan to continue back-slapping MS for the rest of my life. #EVL >:)

Memories...or Visions?

So many of us are constantly on the road to achievement and success through self-improvement. We try to begin exercising (again), try to eat right, be nicer, be more spiritual or simply more self-disciplined. Personally, I am always trying to be better than I currently am. With a wall in my dorm room strictly devoted to my personal vision boards, I'm always trying to do things to get closer to my visions of my future. Remember when you were some of those things you now want to become again? A leader, a reader, a writer, an artist, friendly, hard-working, etc.? Well, for me, these visions are not only derived from people and things I admire or desire, they're also personal memories from the past...about myself. In my memory, I was, at one point, this person I am constantly striving to be once again.

Whether by taking my medicine, taking vitamins, trying to become a yoga beast, constantly praying throughout the day to maintain my peace or making an effort to do something nice for someone else- I'm always trying to improve and get back to who I used to be. In my memory, I am younger- maybe middle school-aged- and as self-disciplined as the best of them. I would awaken before sunrise to do yoga or some form of exercise, I would get on my knees to pray every night (a different prayer each time), I would obsessively clean because I recognized that my surroundings affected my mood (messy room/house=frazzled Jess), and I would maintain a positive outlook, attitude and disposition at all times. I was beyond awesome, if I say so myself.

Today, as I ate breakfast and thought about this super-girl I used to be and my constant attempts to bring her back, I started wondering...are these actual memories? Or could they be visions of what I could be? Many of these "memories" are sharp, detailed and clear...unlike any of my other memories of the past. I started wondering if I ever was this seemingly perfect person. Given that I'm clearly human, I highly doubt it. I may have, in the past, tried and succeeded at some of the things I'd like to do or become in the future; but to think that I had it all together and under control for the younger years of my life then fell off is slightly unrealistic. But, that's not to say that I can't continue to strive to become this person.

To take it a little deeper, what if these visions that I've had since before I can remember, that seem as close and intimate as memories were not originally my own? I'm a firm believer that that thing we call a conscious (gut, intuition, instinct, heart, feeling, little angel on the shoulder) is God- who resides in each of us. What if God gave us these "memories-" and the instict to follow them, to show us that we have the potential to become exactly whom and what we envision? If these visions present themselves as memories, they seem much closer, more realistic and much more attainable.

Whether this perception I've always had of myself and what I can become is a memory or a divine vision, I plan to continue pursuing it down my personal road to achievement and success through self-improvement. After all, I've already succeeded at this journey before...I think.

What Happened to My Sist[ah]'s Keeper?

Sistahs, we have a problem. Over the past few months it has become apparent to me that there is a epidemic of negative attitudes toward one another in our community, possibly stemming from jealousy, competition, paranoia and maybe even flat-out hatred. My question is why? I go to one of the most prestigious historically black institutions in the nation and I am sick and tired of seeing girls give each other these up-and-down looks, side-eyes and fake smiles. What happened to sisterhood?

This summer, I was so excited when I found out that I would be working under a black woman. Initially, she welcomed me with open arms, keeping an extremely casual tone. She even sent me to one of the most amazing conferences that I've ever attended. I felt so grateful to be able to develop a relationship with such a strong, accomplished black woman, while also making my mark in the corporate world. However, over time she began to change. Whether it was from pressure from within the company or issues at home, I don't know- but her warm demeanor quickly changed to distant, cold and finally...downright hostile. She would tell me, "It's so great to have another one of 'us' in the office. I see myself in you and my only hope is that you can one day take my position and continue what we've started." Literally, in the same breath, her tone would change and she would say something like, "I don't have time to answer any of your questions. This internship is YOUR responsibility so figure it out and get out of my office." Weird, huh?

Pretty soon, our daily meetings became a routine of her closing the door then proceeding to verbally berate me about everything from incorrect usage of a gerund in my story to the family vacation I had told her about at the beginning of the summer. It made no sense to me why she had become so different, but I initially blamed myself and took it as a lesson in getting a thicker skin. Everyday, I would dart out of her office and quickly walk to the bathroom before my eyes overflowed. I began to dread seeing her at work as I desperately tried to self-correct the never-ending issues that she had with me. I read the A.P. Style Book from cover to cover, studied the company writing manual and offered to cancel the one vacation that I had planned. What I never planned to do was report her. As one of the only other black women at the company, I couldn't even fathom jeopardizing her career with what I saw as petty complaints. My goal was to continuously let her know that I was on her side...on her team. Unfortunately, that effort wasn't received well either. I was starting to understand the wary looks that I received when I initially described my manager to other black women. How had they foreseen issues on the horizon? My naivete had led me to think very differently.

Since my own personal experience with working with black women, I have witnessed so many other incidences between black women in the workplace. One incident happened last night when the women from Housekeeping came to clean my dorm in preparation for the student move-in today. These women strolled in with their new supervisor (another black woman) and proceeded to the seven floors to begin cleaning as the supervisor left. One hour later, my dorm director was surprised to see them gathered in one of the rooms bashing the new supervisor. After confronting them, they dispersed to clean again, and left after 30 minutes of working. We quickly discovered that a thorough cleaning had NOT been done, in a clear attempt to sabotage the new supervisor.

Sistahs, seriously, what happened to sisterhood? Sure, we don't all have to love each other but respect should be a minimum. Desire for each other to succeed to should be a given. What most of us fail to realize is that when you try to sabotage one of us...you sabotage all of us. As a unit, you make us all look bad. This competitive catty interaction is not even natural or native to our community! In the beginning, we were our sisters' keepers. In this capitalistic society, are we now our sisters' enemies? We desperately need to bring the greater family back into our communities, because without unity we can NEVER move forward. We need to be a family that is happy when the other succeeds- not threatened and jealous. I've talked to God about the promise land and He tells me that there's more than enough room at the top. Other communities know this and reach back to help each other up. We need to stop competing with each other and band together. We always complain about people holding us back...but could it be that we're so indoctrinated that we're holding ourselves back?

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds. -Bob Marley

So, to quickly sum up the experience with my manager- let's just say that God stepped in and said, "ENOUGH." After one particular incident of her harassing me without clear reason, I left her office and was immediately faced by my manager's boss (the woman who hired me) standing on the other side of the door. She had overheard the entire conversation and was outraged. It turned out that several other employees had reported my manager for various reasons. I guess my situation was the icing on the cake. I was immediately transferred to a different manager and interestingly enough, my previous manager was laid off at the end of the summer. I hate that we were never able to talk and figure out why it did not work out but it was clear that for some reason, she felt threatened by her intern's acceptance and progress at the organization. That is something I will never understand and I cannot wait to become successful so I can do the opposite for my predecessors.

Sistahs, it's up to each us to change this epidemic of negativity toward one another. We have to stop feeling threatened by each others' successes and try to realize that God has so much in store for all of us. Let's bring the sisterhood back to our community and start lifting each other up- our sisters desperately need to be kept.

Living My Life on Permanent Vacation

What if we could live our entire life on vacation? Sounds relaxing, doesn't it?

I have spent the entire summer working like the rent is past due lol. I really enjoyed it but I am truly in need of a vacation. Maybe I could do like Stella and go get my groove back in Jamaica or the Bahamas. Or maybe I could do a nice, cozy getaway in a quaint little cottage in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Or maybe I can do like my girl, Queen La, and do an extravagant getaway in Czech Republic where I can eat rich foods, do death-defying activities like base jumping and get pampered all...day...long....ahhh *happy sigh.* :)

I think reading "Eat, Pray, Love" really has me yearning for a getaway of my own...going off and eating new things, learning new languages (just because) and getting closer to God and myself. A vacation like that would be a dream come true.

Well, reality check: I'm back at college for Resident Assistant training and classes are quickly approaching...but I still want my vacation! So, here's what I decided. I'm gonna take my vacation right here...in my imagination. I'm back in my dorm, but in my mind- my dorm room has transformed into a five-star hotel suite with a wet, tropical backdrop. I have a monkey outside of my window! The cafeteria (and this has required the greatest lengths and strengths of my imagination) has been transformed into this cute little cantina on the waterfront that serves only the BEST dishes from the best chefs. Yesterday, I had a grilled chicken po-boy (chicken patty on a bun) with a sweet tomato-y dressing (ketchup), potatoes au gratin (crinkle fries) and the freshest hand-picked, hand-washed greens I've ever tasted (Glory greens straight from the can lol). I am living large!

I have been going to sleep early and waking up with the sunrise to do my own yoga and meditations led by one of the best yoga teachers in the world (my AM yoga dvd). I may even start taking walks on the waterfront with my ereader in tow! I'm taking my time to get to places, walking around like I have a fruity cocktail in my hand and just existing in a state of totally relaxed bliss.

Sounds lovely, right? It is. I'm really enjoying myself and I'm starting to think that I'll never leave this place. In "Eat, Pray, Love," Liz Gilbert took classes in Italian just for the simple fact that she likes to wanted to learn something new. Why can't I start looking at my classes like that? I enjoy learning. A lot of successful people work, not because they have to, but because they want to do something productive. Why can't I start acting like that about my various jobs? I love my jobs on campus.

I saw a quotation yesterday that read: "Live like Heaven is right here on Earth." Interesting concept, isn't it? There's this girl at my school from the West Coast and I have always envied the way she walks around like she's at some kind of resort. I'll be like, "Hey girl! What you up to?"

She'll smile lazily and reply in a relaxed, jazzy voice something like, "Hey babe...I think I'm just gonna head to the caf...I think they have fresh grapefruits today. Then I might go the gym...and I have class in between there somewhere, so we'll see how the day goes." Then she'll wave her hand nonchalantly and slowly walk off, never in a hurry, and continue on her way. [Please let me note that this girl is not even close to being a slacker. She is my age (20) and actually started her own business last year and is preparing to bring it to another country. This girl is on POINT].

Well, I think it's time I join my relaxed friend here on the island for good. It makes things a life a lot more enjoyable and exciting. So, if you need me, I'll be here in Jamaica getting my groove back with Stella. ...Do not disturb ;)

The Beginning of a Routine

I re-started my daily injections today. I had been doing the injections during the entirety of last year, up until May- when the doctor told me (with surprise) that the medicine was no longer working because my body had built up neutralizing antibodies. I finally got on track to begin a new medication during the past few weeks, and to be honest...it's bringing some routine back into my life.

This new medication (Copaxone) must be injected once a day, everyday. Sounds annoying but I think it will be much easier to keep up with than my previous medication (BetaSeron), which was to be administered every other day. With BetaSeron, I had to schedule reminders in my phone so that I wouldn't forget if the day was an "on" or "off" day. It got pretty confusing and easy to forget (and ignore). So with Copaxone, my plan is to get up every morning, brush my teeth, wash my face, take a shower and then give myself the injection. Hopefully this consistency will become more routine than the former.

Also, BetaSeron caused some of the worst fatigue that I have ever experienced! And while I never considered myself depressed, I realize now that I am no longer on the medicine, that it took a LOT of effort to care about anything last year! Thankfully, Copaxone does not have these side effects on general health- mind, body & spirit.

And speaking of overall general health, I had physical yesterday and the doctor told me (disregarding the MS), "everything looks great!" I never thought words could sound so sweet :)

Everything (& Everyone) Happens for a Reason

Well, it's been a few days since I've updated but I just want you all to know that I am so, so, so, so, so, soooo glad that I went to the annual MS Womens' Conference! I was definitely apprehensive about going but something kept telling me that I woke up that morning for a reason...and that something also kept telling me that the conference was the reason! Needless to say, I got dressed and headed over to the venue realizing I'd either leave feeling inspired...or traumatized (lol).

I showed up and to my surprise, they had a laminated name tag ready for me as soon as I walked in! I checked-in the attendees and began to get used to seeing the tons of women arriving in wheelchairs, scooters, walkers and canes. Some appeared as young as 30 and some as old at 80+!

*Note: MS is an autoimmune disease of the central nervous system that can lead to (severe) disability over time if not treated quickly and aggressively. As of now, no medicine can stop the progression of MS, but they can slow the down rapidness of disability for awhile.

As I greeted these women, I kept a bright smile on my face and handed them their conference materials. Many of the women appeared to be just as happy as I was, some seemingly unaware of their physical conditions. In greeting these women (about 80-100 showed up) it saw that it is clear that MS does NOT discriminate. Not only was there a wide range of races and ethnicities, some of the women were clearly wealthy, while others looked like they had just wandered in off the street. The age range was also pretty significant, as well.

Another interesting observation I made was that almost all of the black women that I saw were not constricted to wheelchairs, scooters, walkers and canes. Some of them looked just as healthy as you and me! I thought that is was extremely encouraging. My dad suggested that this may be due to culture of the strong, resilient black women. Maybe most of the black women I saw should, in fact, be wheelchair-bound but their unwillingness to bend to the disease kept them walking. Either way, it was definitely encouraging to see them walking around (slowly) with their heads held high, shoulders back and glowing with grace. I definitely pray to look the same way throughout the years ;)

The event featured a chair-yoga session (it was kind of boring and couldn't feel anything) but it was still fun. I also got a free 15-minute chair massage and loved it! After the massage, the conference split up into break-out sessions. I went to the Research Update session, where two scientists talked to us about MS, the recent scientific advances and the quickly approaching possibility of an oral medication (I can't wait!).

For lunch, I went to sit at a table with all of those strong black women that I talked about. There were about 10 of us at the table, all strangers and all diagnosed with MS. We talked openly about all of our cases, and as many question that I had for them- they had so many more for me! I was surprised at how interested they seemed to be in me, until I realized that I was clearly much younger than anyone at our table...and anyone at the event. Laughing, sharing and confiding with them was definitely the highlight of the conference for me.

_____________________
So, I've still been receiving daily IV-infusions of steroids because numbness in my feet still hasn't gone away yet. Yesterday, when I went in for treatment, I ended up (unknowingly) sitting right next to one of the young black women that I had met at the conference! We talked for hours as we received our IV-treatments. She's a super sharp pharmacist from Colorado who was recently married and new to the area. She and her husband spoke with me and my mom about everything. She was diagnosed at the same time as me, last summer and has some of the same feelings that I do about things concerning MS. Meeting her and running into her two days later was such a huge coincidence...but then again, you all know how I feel about coincidences :) Everything happens for a reason...and so does everyone. I think I am supposed to know this woman, and I definitely plan to keep in touch!

Annual MS Women's Conference

It's been a long two days, but I got down on my knees and prayed last night for the first time in awhile. Woke up this morning feeling renewed...my head was surprisingly clear! And when I say clear, I didn't wake up with some kind of epiphany that explained everything that has been jumbled in my head for the past days- I mean clear as in a peaceful. No, I don't have all the answers but I have the assurance. I guess this is called "peace of mind." Thank God for humble prayer and good night's sleep.

I also woke up to an appointment in calendar that I almost forgot all about! Two months ago, I had inquired about volunteering at the annual MS Women's Conference in downtown Raleigh. Well, that conference is this today from 9am-1pm! I knew I woke up (wide-awake) at 6am for a reason! The conference will feature keynote speakers, a yoga session, fashion show and tons of networking. The MS Society invited me to come and help with registration and escorting, so I definitely plan to take advantage of this (free) invitation ;)

I have a feeling that this day is going to be very eye-opening and inspiring. I hope you all find something that makes you feel the same way this weekend! I will update soon. Be blessed!

BRING Your Own Advocate

Remember what I said about "being your own advocate?" Well, that's still true. Be your own advocate. But if you want a super strong case...bring your lawyer friend too (a.k.a. my mom, in my case).

So, I went to my appointment at 2:00. Proceeded to wait for 30 minutes (what are they doing back there anyway?) and finally saw the Nurse Practitioner. My plan was clear. I walked in armed with my notebook of diligent notes and questions I wanted to cover. As I tried to make my case, my lawyer (or mom) kept jumping in to add (and add detail to) important points that I was making. By the end of the session, my mom had completely taken over, the nurse was completely engaged and ready to help us in any way possible.

So here was my first lens (attitude): Annoyed. I was aggravated that my mom was not letting me make my case and get in and out as I had planned to. After the appointment the nurse decided to immediately put me on a I.V. steroid called Solumedrol. As I received my medication, my mom embarked across the office to plead my case to any and every person who would listen...the nurse, the other nurses, the front desk clerk and even the innocent scientists who came to me asking me to participate in a study. By the time we left the office, everyone knew my story, whether I liked it or not.

Current lens (attitude): Grateful. I left feeling annoyed, overwhelmed and aggravated. Then as I proceeded to shift my lens (as I've been consciously doing all day), I began to realize that I should feel awesomely blessed to have someone who know me better than I know myself on my side. My mom is the best lawyer/advocate-partner I could ever ask for and I only pray that other people have someone like that on their side when going through situations like this.

By the time I got home, my phone was ringing off-the-hook. The drug rep ASSURED me that my medication would be here by Tuesday- well before I leave for school and that everything will be fine. They even gave me the cell number of my person representative if any questions were to arise. As for the doctor's office- my mom turned that place out...all for me. Those people are at our every beck and call right now, and though I was embarrassed at first, I am now so overwhelmingly grateful. Sure, I have a debilitating illness...but (unfortunately) not many people can say they have as much support as I do- with or without their health.

So, I'll be receiving these infusions for three more days at most, and I'll be back on regular medication on Tuesday ("at the latest"). It looks like my life may be making its way back on track.

Thank God for my lawyer :)

Time to Practice What I Preach

So my appointment is at 2:00 this afternoon...with the nurse (or PA, to be specific), because both of my doctors are out of the office. I'm slightly upset because this is the same woman from last year who cried with me when I came in for an emergency appointment during school last year. I want something to make this numbness go away...not a counseling session!

I'm not exaggerating. My last appointment with her involved me driving 3 hours to get home because of the severe headaches and mood problems I was experiencing. When I met with her she proceeded to hold my hand and say, "I know it must be so hard," while tearing up. I began to cry too and replied..."it really is!" Haha. We sat there for awhile talking about how life sucked at that moment and I ended up leaving with nothing...not even peace of mind.

But as I said earlier, it's about shifting my lens. My positive lens tells me that I have the ability to take charge of my health and take charge of this appointment today. In my post from yesterday, I talked about the importance of being your own advocate. Well, it's time to practice what I preach and do just that. I'm taking notes now on exactly what I plan to discuss and the exact medication I need to handle these symptoms (hopefully she can prescribe it).

I'm not worried; this has all happened before, therefore God has blessed me with the knowledge and prior experience to handle it. I will update you all later ;)

It's Back

Woke up this morning to an all too familiar tingling in my feet. I tried to rub the feeling out for about five minutes, then decided I must be having what doctor's like to call "an MS episode-" my second since my diagnosis last year.

I'm not freaked out or scared. More just annoyed...I don't have time for this lol. I'm planning to call my doctor ASAP. As for right now, as I get ready for my internship, I'm just trying to change my attitude. Attitude is everything when you have a disease like MS, so I'm trying to shift my lens before I leave the house this morning to take on the day. Prayer is key.

So, during my conversation with God this morning, He told me everything will be fine. I'll update you all later. Have a lovely day!

Be Your Own Advocate

Ever seen someone go to court without a lawyer? Well, I watch a lot of Law and Order so I've seen it many times. The defendant walks into the courtroom with an arrogant swag, shoulders back and a flimsy folder (if that)...deciding they know and have everything they need to present a concise and well thought-out case, then as soon as the judge slams the gavel down everything falls apart. The defendant forgets what they were meaning to say, stumbles over their words and gets run over by the prosecutor. It's painful to watch.

That's why if you ever go to court, bring a lawyer. I'd also argue that if you ever go to the doctor, bring a lawyer. Or be as prepared as one.

Since I was diagnosed with MS, my view the the health care system has changed dramatically. In a day, I went from a friendly, seemingly all-knowing pediatrician to a much older, seemingly wiser, more hurried neurologist. After seeing him once, I was sent off on my own to give myself shots, pay close attention to my body and be truly independent. After he diagnosed me, the specialist literally told me "see you in six months!" Eight months later, it was my family who had to call to remind the office that we were supposed to be having a check-up. It was my dad who had to remind the doctor that we were supposed to be looking at the updated MRI results, while I was in this so-called check-up. It was my mom who had to repeatedly call the lab to get my test results to find out why this prescribed medication was not working anymore.

Two months later, it's me that's repeatedly calling the doctor's office, the drug company and anyone necessary to find out what the next step is. It's me that's getting on the nurses for forgetting to sign my prescription...two weeks ago. It's me that's having to carry around paper medical records in case a specialist or my school doesn't have access to them (...which is what my company handles :) ). It's me that's calling my doctor's offices to make sure my appointment still stands.

Right now, I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" (on my e-reader!) and in the book she speaks about how she always used to live her life passively. Even during her rough divorce, she decided to sit back and go with the flow, to avoid further conflict (her divorce ended up taking two years because of her attitude). She called herself going what she thought was the "Gandhi-route" or "Mandela-route." She laughs about this later because she points out that she didn't realize that both Gandhi and Nelson Mandela were lawyers, themselves. Point made: want to be a change-agent and make things better for yourself? Be your own lawyer.

Doctors and nurses should make us feel like we are their only patient. Like they have all the time in the world to spend with us and tell us about what's going on. But unfortunately, they don't. It's up to us to do the research, keep track of our bodies, take care of our bodies and be persistent about important appointments. Walk into that doctor's office like your own lawyer. I'm talking, a THICK notebook of your charts, your scans, notes taken on small changes you've noticed (whether mood-based, weight-based, etc.), research and case studies you want to address, dates for follow-up and a list of questions to not forget.

One thing I personally hate when I go to see the neurologist is small-talk and illegitimate counseling. My mom is a psychologist. Get to the point and tell me what's going on and what we need to do. I did not come for you to cry with me and talk about how hard things must be. This is about business.

I'm saying this to everyone, but most of all I'm saying it to myself. I've let doctors, parents and everyone else take care of me my whole life while I took a back, window seat. Now that I'm getting older, it's time I take charge of my health, because I've realized that if I don't become my own advocate/lawyer...no one will. Who knows where I would be if my family had never called to ask about a check-up in April. Who knows where I would be if I hadn't scolded the drug rep for 5 minutes today about follow-up. Who knows where I would be if my family and I followed their lead and weren't as aggressive?

You know what? I plan on never finding out where I would be. That said...

"ALL RISE! The court of Judge Jessica is now in session. You may remain standing until I say otherwise." -__-

Take Charge of YOUR Happiness

What makes you happy? Really think about it for a moment. I started wondering about the concept of happiness last year, and never really stopped thinking about it. I started asking myself, what actually happens on my "good days?" What happens on my "bad days?"

Well, here's what I found. When I come home from work feeling good, it's usually for a couple of reasons.

1. I got enough rest. For me this isn't an issue anymore, because I physically cannot stay up past 11 p.m...no matter how hard I try. Even though it bugs me because everyone else my age can stay up all night and have fun...the positive thing is that I sleep like a rock and get a consistent 7+ hours of sleep every night.
   
2. I exercised. Starting the day off with some cardio is scientifically proven to stimulate chemicals in the brain that help cognition, such as serotonin, glutamate and norepinephrine.
3. I ate breakfast. It's amazing how much of a difference it makes. It doesn't have to be a texas omelet with a t-bone and grits. Grab a pack of crackers within an hour of getting up or make a sandwich. It speeds up the metabolism and fuels you up with strength and energy for the day.
   
4. I listened to my favorite songs. PANDORA has changed my life. My India Arie Radio has me singing positive affirmations all day.
5. I made it to work with time to spare. I'm the type of person that gets stressed...quickly, if I'm in a rush. I misplace things and forget everything else. Leaving a few minutes early to beat traffic and get to work before the first meeting allows me to take a breath and get my mind right before heading into the fray.
6. I was productive. I actually did some work that's going to make tomorrow a little easier. Whether it was
   
7. I did something out of the ordinary. The daily routine can get old...fast. Sometimes taking an hour to go outside with the laptop and enjoy the sunshine can really help your mood. Today, I snuck in an office closet, kicked my shoes off and did some jumping jacks for one-minute to shake the tiredness I was feeling. And it worked!
8. I CLAIMED IT. Instead of waking up and saying, "UGH. It's gonna be a LONG day. Lord, help me," as many of my follower do on Twitter. Wake up and claim the opposite. "Thank you God for waking me up this morning and allowing me yet ANOTHER chance to get it right. This is going to be a great and productive day." You'll be amazed at how different your day turns out, just by saying these words (and actually believing them).

So, what classifies as my bad day? Doing the opposite of all of these things. Being lazy (ie: staying up late and missing the alarm clock, missing breakfast, watching the clock, being negative) can make my days drag by and seem purposeless.

My advice? Let's stop being RE-active and start being PRO-active. Too often we let others decide how our day will be. Our moods turn into emotions derived from our reactions to others. Someone cut me off this morning- man, I was hoping to have a good day. Someone took my parking spot- man, I was hoping to have a good day. The cafeteria ran out of pizza- man, I was hoping to have a good day. My co-worker was rude to me- man, I was hoping to have a good day.

NOBODY can make you feel ANYTHING without your permission. Don't let someone else ruin your high- you can't control why they're so upset. Brush them off, laugh about it and keep on struttin'. Figure out what constitutes your good days and take charge of YOUR happiness! You'll have nothing but good days to come.

What helps guarantee your good days?

Don't Judge Me!

"Don't judge me!" "Only God can judge me." "I feel like you're judging me." "I just don't want you to judge me." "Okay...so, don't judge me but..."

I have heard people say these exact words my entire life...but I've never understood exactly what they meant until recently. Now, I feel like I suddenly have a better understanding of what it's like to be judged, what it is to judge others and what it's like to be scared of someone's judgment.

It all goes back to one of my biggest fears...people knowing that I have Multiple Sclerosis. Blogging about it is one of the hardest things I've done, but I decided I need to overcome it. Pressing "Publish Post" is honestly a chore, every single time I write about it. Why? Because I'm so afraid of your judgment. Like many people who deal with an illness, I didn't want to broadcast that I had MS, because I didn't want people to think I was sick. Or handicapped. Or weak. Or incapable...because I'm NOT!

Some say MS is like a fingerprint: everyone can deal with different symptoms. While some may deal with immobility and are wheelchair-bound, my main symptom (currently) is fatigue. Praise God that I can get up in the morning and move around (though clumsily lol). Though more mature, enlightened, encouraged and empowered; I am the exact same Jess that most of you knew before I was diagnosed a year ago.

Being young and naive, I used to wonder, "how can you judge someone by simply observing what they are?" Well, younger self, you really have no clue WHO they are. It's rare that any of us actually know the whole story.

In our minds, we've already figured out the person's entire back-story. The girl who sleeps around was actually raised by an abusive pedophile who made her feel like sex was the only path toward real love. The girl with leukemia is actually in remission and runs a mile every morning. The boy with the name-brand clothes grew up with an adoptive family that spoiled him as much as they could because he had never been spoiled before. La'Phrankeisha actually comes from the most suburban, wealthy neighborhood in California and she's here at school on a full scholarship.

Sure, these circumstances may not always be the case...but how would we know? All we can really worry about is ourselves. How we perceive others and how others perceive us is truly subjective.

It's true, only God can judge any of us. Only He knows the untold story and what really lies beneath our masks. I challenge each of you to watch your thoughts and watch how you perceive people. You never know what they have been through or why they do what they do.

On that note: Yes, I have Multiple Sclerosis. And yes, [just about] anything you can do...I can do better ;)

When I Grow Up...

What you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? I'm betting that it's pretty different than what you're doing (or preparing to do) now. Based on the direction I'm headed in...my career could be pretty different, too.

As kids, we were very in touch with what we liked, what we didn't like, what we wanted and what we didn't want. What happened? As time passed, we became bombarded with outside influences that make us scatterbrained, indecisive and less confident in our childhood dreams. For all we know, these influences could have set us back farther away from our purpose.

I recently read If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You, by Kelly Cutrone. As a child, she would execute large-scale neighborhood events and fundraisers. Now as an entrepreneur, PR mogul and icon; she talks about how she rediscovered her childhood dreams and has never been happier or more confident that she is fulfilling her purpose. Best of all...she loves what she does!

As a child, I was beyond sure that I would be a writer. Not a journalist, but an author. And not just an author, but a BEST-SELLING author (I've always been ambitious lol). I also promised myself that I would open my own bookstore/cafe' called Timbuktu ("where every race came to get books to learn from black teachers who taught Greeks and Romans, Asian, Arabs..." -Nas, I Know I Can). I wrote three novels during elementary, middle and high school (all over 100 pages), but I never let anyone read them (out of fear of criticism). Yet, looking back over them, I think they're pretty good...if I do say so myself :)

But where did our dreams and plans go? I think we started looking at other peoples' successes, statistics, how much work it takes to obtain our visions...and suddenly, these dreams don't seem too realistic. I think we start following in another person's path, hoping to gain the same fulfillment and results- when our hearts really aren't in it.

I think I'm going to have a few people look at my latest novel and give me some feedback. I may be able to make publishing moves now! Maybe I could even invest in a little hole-in-the-wall and become an entrepreneur sooner than I imagined! Now that I think about it, I also had dreams of being a background singer (harmonizing and snapping from left to right), and even being a mayor of a small town. Those dreams may seem pretty silly now...but I was more confident in them than ever, when I was younger.

I think it's time I rediscovered my passion and childhood dreams. Sometimes our purpose is clear...it's what has been in front of our faces all along!

Whether you always saw yourself as a teacher, chef, an artist, designer, a mom, a dad, a firefighter, an actor, doctor, preacher or even the president of the country...maybe it's time for you to revisit that vision! Remember when teachers used to tell us we could be anything we put our minds too? Well, I'm pretty sure that it's still true!

Back to the Future

Have you seen the movie series, Back to the Future? Made in the '80's, the series stars Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox, who use a DeLorean time machine to travel to the past (1955) and in Part II, to the future (2015). I watched the second movie on ABC Family and started to subconsciously compare their vision of the future to where we are now. It's funny how a lot of what the producers and writers predicted, has now come to fruition. Some predictions were also made in literature. The first being the Bible's Book of Revelations (which is too deep for me to even attempt to write about), and others in examples like 1984 by George Orwell or even Aldous Huxley's Brave New World.

While many of these "predictions" have come true, one must wonder if the predictions are actually inspired forecasting or simply self-fulfilling prophecies. In my opinion, it's the power of envisioning. We see what others envision (or even what we personally envision) and subconsciously/consciously work to bring these visions to light. The same can be applied to horoscopes that magically seem to come true, or even fortune-telling tarot cards.

So, where did these visions lead us? After watching Back to the Future, Part II- I started wondering how culturally far we are from what others predicted. Attempting to place myself in the mindset of someone from the past, transported to now, here's what I discovered:

1. Robots taking jobs?

So, remember how we used to bring or groceries to the cashier, who would bag them for us? Not anymore! There's this phenomenon called "self check-out" and it's in almost every store I visited! Not only did I have to scan and bag the groceries myself...I didn't have to speak to one human the whole time! Speaking of interaction...want to rent a movie? Why bother going to the store and actually interacting with a clerk to find the one you want? Now, you can go to something called "Redbox" and press a few buttons to get the movie you want. Don't feel like going out? Order a movie straight to your TV with something called Netflix!

2. WOW! Life-Sized Barbies?!

I have been seeing "plastic women" all day. Black women have long, straight hair with narrow, straight noses and some even have bright, blue eyes! I've seen white women with huge breasts, huge backsides and faces that show no expression when they talk. I saw an Asian woman today with large, green eyes! Last week I even saw an obese Latina women enter a hospital and hours letter come out thinner than a toothpick! What is going on??

3. I can read people's minds! (Literally)

So, I used to always wonder what people were thinking...now I can get a computer (a machine that seems to host an entire world) and read random people thoughts on website like Twitter and Facebook. And I don't even have to respond to them!

4. There's INSTANT access to info.

People used to complain about informational divides, but now, almost everyone can receive information on ANYTHING with the click of a button! The term "google it" is more common than "do you know...?"

5. YOUR BABY CAN READ!

6. Big Brother

Big Brother is watching and people are actually giving in! Cell phones (personal phones that stay attached to the human body) can track individuals within a one mile radius...even when they're not on the phone! Think people would protest this? Well, they actually REPORT where they are and what they're doing to the world on the Internet!

7. Video Chat

I can actually look at you as I speak to you on the phone!

8. The Green Movement

People think that the world is going to come to an end if they continue to do simple things such as throw away (instead of recycling) trash, drive cars or even cut down a tree! Now, the focus is on "all-natural" foods, walking to work and even driving electric cars! Flying cars haven't emerged yet.

9. THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA/LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD IS BLACK.

And he looks NOTHING like the other presidents on the classroom timeline.

These phenomenons that we commonly regard with little thought as to how they came about, were all derived by the imagination (or vision) of others. Want to predict your future? Envision it and I can pretty much guarantee you that it will come true. Your future is in your head.

*Can you think of any other "futuristic" things that are happening right now? Try to think of yourself as a visitor from the past and feel free to share...I find futuristic things everywhere!

Touched by an Angel

I've always felt protected. And I'm not talking about that "safe feeling" we may get when around family or other loved ones. I'm talking about being covered...enveloped...cloaked, by something ethereal. Something divine. When I was younger, I felt like a guardian angel was constantly beside me. What some refer to as a "conscious," I always regarded as the voice of my angel. Whether it was that feeling in the pit of my stomach, whisper of warning in the back of my head, or even simple things that seemed to be a sign from above; I always thought of these feelings and experiences as direct communication from the "man with the master plan."

I was in elementary school when my family's car broke down on the highway, on the way to Louisiana. Engine problems had stopped us on a bridge, with no lights and no form of communication (there were no cell phones back then) in the dead of the night. I remember my little brothers crying because they were scared and even the panicked/shaken looks on my parents' faces as they whispered about what to do. And me? I had that feeling again. I was covered. My family was covered, and we would all be okay. In my mind, my angel had already started solving the issue- we just had to wait patiently.

My dad took off walking down the highway, trying to flag down some help, while my mom got me and my two brothers out of the car and away from the edge of the bridge. Within about ten minutes (which seemed much longer at the time), a huge 18-wheeler pulled in front of us. My dad came jogging back in the darkness. After speaking to the man through the truck window, he looked to us, standing in a scared huddle by our van. "I found help!" he said.

My mom looked at my dad with a wary look. "He's just going to give us a lift to the truck stop," my dad said. "It's a mile up the road, at the next exit." My dad sounded surprisingly reassured. We all headed to the truck.

On the way to the truck stop, my family stayed quiet as the truck driver (Frank) talked to my dad. He was pale as a ghost and pretty scraggly-looking, but something about him radiated positively. I listened over the rumble of the truck's wheels. "It's all going to be alright," Frank said to my dad. "God never puts folks in a place without reason. I was meant to see you all tonight." The more he conversed with my dad, the more sure I became. It was clear...this man was an angel! I tugged on my mom's sleeve as they talked.

"Mom," I whispered. "Look! He's an angel...I can see his wings under his jacket." My mom shushed me but looked warily at the trucker's back. To her, he probably looked hunch-backed. But to me, I was convinced that there were big, strong wings hidden underneath that leather.

"I'm gonna take y'all to this truck stop right up here," the angel said as we pulled off the exit. "I come through here once or twice a-week while I'm making my stops to sit down at the diner next door. I always get a coffee from a nice lady named Angela. I know everyone in there and I'm sure they'll take care of you."

As we parked next to the diner, the angel hopped out. "I'm gonna get some gas," he said. "Y'all take your time, I'll be in there in a bit to make sure you got everything sorted out."

My dad nodded and headed inside to use the phone, while my mom escorted my brothers and me to a booth in the diner. Sure enough, we were greeted moments later by an older black woman by the name of "Angela." She took our order and gave us a list of numbers to call for tow services and car shops. After about ten minutes, my dad came walking back to the table.

"Frank's gone," he said, confused.

"But I thought..." Mom started.

"Who's that y'all lookin' for?" Angela asked, as she approached with a coffee pot.

"Frank," Dad answered. "He's the truck driver that brought us here. I just wanted to give him some money for his troubles..."

Angela stared at us strangely, "Well, I know every single trucker that comes through here Sir...I don't know no Frank."

Mom and Dad got quiet. "He said he passes through a couple times a week.." my mom explained. "He actually mentioned your name, too."

Angela shook her head and asked the other three waitresses if they knew of a Frank. They all shook their heads, confused. "I'm sorry Sir," Angela said. "Never heard of 'em."

I smiled and looked up. Covered.


Have you been touched by an angel?

Where Have You Been All My Life?

Today, I came across a news story that begged the question, "Why? Why did you stop making music? Why did you leave us?" This question was posed to one of my idols, Ms. Lauryn Hill. Let's just say I, along with millions of others, have been desperately wondering this same question for years. I won't paraphrase the article, but I will say that it did not disappoint. Here's the comment that I made after reading/listening to it:

This interview gave me exactly what I needed to hear. I appreciate the fact that Lauryn takes her music (art) as seriously as I do. It's like waiting on good food. I don't mind if the chef takes a long time to make my food, as long as the food comes out as close to perfection as possible. Don't get me wrong- I may be hungry, but I'm still willing to wait. You can't rush perfection.

I hope that Lauryn takes as much time as she needs to prepare herself for a return to us. Honestly, I'm really just encouraged to know that, at some point, she will return. Until then, I'll continue to be patient.

I can't lie- I feel guilty for seeing Lauryn's disappearance as abandonment. We often forget that stars are people, too. I truly respect that fact that she was able to step away from the limelight to not only take care of her family, but take care of herself too. Now that she's ready (on her own terms), I feel like her return will bring some truly authentic music. I'M ECSTATIC!

Read the full article here: http://n.pr/aodyMe
Listen to the full interview here: http://n.pr/bHSJcy

India Arie - Beautiful Flower (original recording)

This is the song I referenced in my post about "Entertainment as Food." India is singing the original recording in this video. Listen to the words, hopefully you can get it stuck in your head, too!

Def Poetry: A Blues For Nina

My favorite part of the BET Awards was the nod to "Love Jones," one of my favorite movies! Check out this clip from the actual movie, starring Nia Long and Larenz Tate.

Okay Chris, Fine. I'll Give You a Chance

Forget the #TeamChris and #TeamRihanna phenemenon for a second. I was NEVER a part of either team. I don't support domestic violence and because the details of the event were fuzzy, I chose to not support either of them. Now, I understand that a good person forgives, but I didn't feel like either of their first statements were sincere.

What happened between Chris Brown and Rihanna is none of my business, nor did I care to know. I was just upset because these two people serve as icons and role models for kids who don't have ANYONE else to look to. I was upset at how they allowed themselves to show anything but their best behavior to these kids. Especially to kids who have witnessed domestic violence, this incident just served as further reinforcement that violence is okay.

But this...this is raw emotion. It's raw sincerity. It's authentic remorse. After seeing this performance, I couldn't keep my guard up any longer. I appreciate the fact that he gave his all in this performance, allowed himself to look like a punk on national television and showed himself to be humble and thankful when he won an award at the end of the show.

Now, while I am still not #TeamChris, nor #TeamRihanna, I am willing to give Chris Brown another chance. This performance reminded me why I liked him in the first place, and his emotion reminded me that everyone makes mistakes. I hope that he's taken the past year to get himself together, find real help and truly think about the terrible thing that he did...because I didn't want to stop liking him. I loved his music, but I fundamentally could not let myself support him after his dirty laundry aired.

Now, before everyone starts saying, "I was with him through it all," think about what you're saying. Because I definitely had some words for a few of you back when everyone was saying "Rihanna probably provoked him. She deserved it." (Yes, I did hear that disgusting comment on more than one occasion.) I appreciate his candidness and I appreciate how he honored Michael Jackson. He hasn't completely won me to his "team," but I'm open to checking him out.

Now, this isn't a celebrity/pop culture blog, so I'm NOT even going to get started on Alicia "Homewrecker" Keys. I'm sorry, but I'm just not the type of person who can separate the person from their music. If you are fortunate enough to be placed in a position where millions listen to what you have to sing or say...you must also realize that you are serving as a role model for those millions of people, too. It's not fair that their personal lives have to be on display, but with great power comes great responsibility.

Happy Anniversary?

Today is June 28, a year from the day that this crazy journey with MS began. I just realized it when looking at the timeline that I did last year. That's all I could really do at the time. My mom told me I should document everything since it was all happening so fast, so I did just that. Documented what I was feeling and left all emotions out of it. Thinking back, I don't even really know what emotions I experienced. I was very out-of-touch. The one thing I can remember was frustration. And not frustration about the diagnosis, but frustration that I was going to have to sit through long appointments instead of do my work and get on with my life.

It kind of reminds me of this car accident I got in once. It was 2007, and I was driving to the football game at school. As I was preparing to make a left turn at the light, the car that I thought had stopped during the yellow light, suddenly barrelled forward while I was in the middle of the intersection. My body jerked forward (that's the day I found out that my car didn't have airbags smh), and I was suddenly and completely halted in the street with another car dented into mine. When I finally realized what had happened, I was so...FRUSTRATED. Not frustrated that my car was totaled, but frustrated that I wasn't going to be able to make it to the game. That's the first thing I remember thinking about...like, "Dang, I'm already late for first quarter. I don't have time for this."

Weird, huh? Well, that's the same emotion I remember feeling as people poked me with needles and prodded me with cold objects asking if I could feel it. I was thinking, "UGH, I don't have time for this." When they finally told me I had multiple sclerosis, I was remember thinking..."Okay, well give me some medicine! I have an internship I need to get to!" It was everyone else's reaction that made me realize that this was kind-of serious. Almost all of my friends burst out crying after hearing the news. Confused, I tried to console them..but I slowly started to become more concerned. What was I really dealing with here?

It's now a year later and I can say that I am a very different person than I was a year ago. I see the world differently. I see myself differently. I even see people differently. I have new level of empathy and a new level of wisdom that could not have been gained any other way.

Physically, I'm in better shape than I was before. I've taken an interest in trying to control the things that I can, because MS is enough to deal with. I have a high tolerance for pain, and I now know how to not only assemble and fill a syringe, but give myself injections- something I thought would be impossible, last year. I get tired around 3:00 (like most people), but this tiredness can become almost debilitating every hour that passes.

Mentally, I try to stay sharp. Though there are constant threats of physical impairment, I'm most scared of the cognitive impairment. That's the reason why I've tried to learn a new word everyday, continue writing and start reading again. I've always been a little slow to catch-on to concepts, but I work even harder to understand now.

Socially, I am constantly fighting the urge to be a recluse. Everyday I wake up, I think about how nice it would be to lay around in the bed all day and not answer my phone for anyone. My phone began to stress me out last semester, hence the reason why I always keep it on silent. Sophomore year, I feel like I hid in my room. My room was my refuge where I could choose to NOT answer when someone knocked on my door (which happened often). I don't know why this began to happen after my diagnosis- maybe it was the medication (which is known to cause depression), but I do know that I have to continue to fight this reclusiveness because interaction is essential to growth.

And because of this knowledge, I am actively trying to put myself in social situations that may make me uncomfortable, but will also facilitate further growth. Side note: It's funny...I contacted over 10 places in Raleigh expressing my desire to volunteer. Following my aunt's (STRONG) suggestion that I also contact the MS Society, I waiting about a week to hear back from one of the organizations. Guess which one contacted me? That's right, the MS Society not only contacted me about becoming a Wellness Counselor and Speaker, but they also asked me to come in THIS week for one-on-one training. What's even more interesting is that they weren't even aware that I have MS. Funny how God works, huh? (Still haven't heard back from the other organizations). So, it looks like I have some public speaking in my future.

Spiritually, I've never been closer to God. I constantly feel His presence and it doesn't scare me; it comforts me. I constantly talk to Him and try to say "thank you" everyday that I can sit-up, swing my legs out of the bed and walk to the bathroom. It's funny how I would have never thought to thank Him for something that simple, before.

I know God's not done with me yet. I also know that there are going to be much worse things to come my way. It's my trust and faith in God that assures me that I will experience nothing that I can't bear...and I'll never face it alone.


In retrospect, it's amazing how God works. I would have never gained this insight and wisdom any other way; so, in a way, I'm thankful for MS. I'm thankful for the person that it is molding me into and the wisdom that it has given me. I'm thankful that I faced something this traumatic so early, because I fee; betterh equipped for any future bumps in the road. I am becoming a spiritual warrior...growing stronger everyday.