Happy Anniversary?

Today is June 28, a year from the day that this crazy journey with MS began. I just realized it when looking at the timeline that I did last year. That's all I could really do at the time. My mom told me I should document everything since it was all happening so fast, so I did just that. Documented what I was feeling and left all emotions out of it. Thinking back, I don't even really know what emotions I experienced. I was very out-of-touch. The one thing I can remember was frustration. And not frustration about the diagnosis, but frustration that I was going to have to sit through long appointments instead of do my work and get on with my life.

It kind of reminds me of this car accident I got in once. It was 2007, and I was driving to the football game at school. As I was preparing to make a left turn at the light, the car that I thought had stopped during the yellow light, suddenly barrelled forward while I was in the middle of the intersection. My body jerked forward (that's the day I found out that my car didn't have airbags smh), and I was suddenly and completely halted in the street with another car dented into mine. When I finally realized what had happened, I was so...FRUSTRATED. Not frustrated that my car was totaled, but frustrated that I wasn't going to be able to make it to the game. That's the first thing I remember thinking about...like, "Dang, I'm already late for first quarter. I don't have time for this."

Weird, huh? Well, that's the same emotion I remember feeling as people poked me with needles and prodded me with cold objects asking if I could feel it. I was thinking, "UGH, I don't have time for this." When they finally told me I had multiple sclerosis, I was remember thinking..."Okay, well give me some medicine! I have an internship I need to get to!" It was everyone else's reaction that made me realize that this was kind-of serious. Almost all of my friends burst out crying after hearing the news. Confused, I tried to console them..but I slowly started to become more concerned. What was I really dealing with here?

It's now a year later and I can say that I am a very different person than I was a year ago. I see the world differently. I see myself differently. I even see people differently. I have new level of empathy and a new level of wisdom that could not have been gained any other way.

Physically, I'm in better shape than I was before. I've taken an interest in trying to control the things that I can, because MS is enough to deal with. I have a high tolerance for pain, and I now know how to not only assemble and fill a syringe, but give myself injections- something I thought would be impossible, last year. I get tired around 3:00 (like most people), but this tiredness can become almost debilitating every hour that passes.

Mentally, I try to stay sharp. Though there are constant threats of physical impairment, I'm most scared of the cognitive impairment. That's the reason why I've tried to learn a new word everyday, continue writing and start reading again. I've always been a little slow to catch-on to concepts, but I work even harder to understand now.

Socially, I am constantly fighting the urge to be a recluse. Everyday I wake up, I think about how nice it would be to lay around in the bed all day and not answer my phone for anyone. My phone began to stress me out last semester, hence the reason why I always keep it on silent. Sophomore year, I feel like I hid in my room. My room was my refuge where I could choose to NOT answer when someone knocked on my door (which happened often). I don't know why this began to happen after my diagnosis- maybe it was the medication (which is known to cause depression), but I do know that I have to continue to fight this reclusiveness because interaction is essential to growth.

And because of this knowledge, I am actively trying to put myself in social situations that may make me uncomfortable, but will also facilitate further growth. Side note: It's funny...I contacted over 10 places in Raleigh expressing my desire to volunteer. Following my aunt's (STRONG) suggestion that I also contact the MS Society, I waiting about a week to hear back from one of the organizations. Guess which one contacted me? That's right, the MS Society not only contacted me about becoming a Wellness Counselor and Speaker, but they also asked me to come in THIS week for one-on-one training. What's even more interesting is that they weren't even aware that I have MS. Funny how God works, huh? (Still haven't heard back from the other organizations). So, it looks like I have some public speaking in my future.

Spiritually, I've never been closer to God. I constantly feel His presence and it doesn't scare me; it comforts me. I constantly talk to Him and try to say "thank you" everyday that I can sit-up, swing my legs out of the bed and walk to the bathroom. It's funny how I would have never thought to thank Him for something that simple, before.

I know God's not done with me yet. I also know that there are going to be much worse things to come my way. It's my trust and faith in God that assures me that I will experience nothing that I can't bear...and I'll never face it alone.


In retrospect, it's amazing how God works. I would have never gained this insight and wisdom any other way; so, in a way, I'm thankful for MS. I'm thankful for the person that it is molding me into and the wisdom that it has given me. I'm thankful that I faced something this traumatic so early, because I fee; betterh equipped for any future bumps in the road. I am becoming a spiritual warrior...growing stronger everyday.