Memories...or Visions?

So many of us are constantly on the road to achievement and success through self-improvement. We try to begin exercising (again), try to eat right, be nicer, be more spiritual or simply more self-disciplined. Personally, I am always trying to be better than I currently am. With a wall in my dorm room strictly devoted to my personal vision boards, I'm always trying to do things to get closer to my visions of my future. Remember when you were some of those things you now want to become again? A leader, a reader, a writer, an artist, friendly, hard-working, etc.? Well, for me, these visions are not only derived from people and things I admire or desire, they're also personal memories from the past...about myself. In my memory, I was, at one point, this person I am constantly striving to be once again.

Whether by taking my medicine, taking vitamins, trying to become a yoga beast, constantly praying throughout the day to maintain my peace or making an effort to do something nice for someone else- I'm always trying to improve and get back to who I used to be. In my memory, I am younger- maybe middle school-aged- and as self-disciplined as the best of them. I would awaken before sunrise to do yoga or some form of exercise, I would get on my knees to pray every night (a different prayer each time), I would obsessively clean because I recognized that my surroundings affected my mood (messy room/house=frazzled Jess), and I would maintain a positive outlook, attitude and disposition at all times. I was beyond awesome, if I say so myself.

Today, as I ate breakfast and thought about this super-girl I used to be and my constant attempts to bring her back, I started wondering...are these actual memories? Or could they be visions of what I could be? Many of these "memories" are sharp, detailed and clear...unlike any of my other memories of the past. I started wondering if I ever was this seemingly perfect person. Given that I'm clearly human, I highly doubt it. I may have, in the past, tried and succeeded at some of the things I'd like to do or become in the future; but to think that I had it all together and under control for the younger years of my life then fell off is slightly unrealistic. But, that's not to say that I can't continue to strive to become this person.

To take it a little deeper, what if these visions that I've had since before I can remember, that seem as close and intimate as memories were not originally my own? I'm a firm believer that that thing we call a conscious (gut, intuition, instinct, heart, feeling, little angel on the shoulder) is God- who resides in each of us. What if God gave us these "memories-" and the instict to follow them, to show us that we have the potential to become exactly whom and what we envision? If these visions present themselves as memories, they seem much closer, more realistic and much more attainable.

Whether this perception I've always had of myself and what I can become is a memory or a divine vision, I plan to continue pursuing it down my personal road to achievement and success through self-improvement. After all, I've already succeeded at this journey before...I think.