True Life- I Have MS

So, I was supposed to be visiting Niagara Falls this week. Instead, I'm spending the week getting intravenous infusions at Raleigh Neurology. Things happen so fast.

Last week was when the numbness started. It started in my fingers then spread to my stomach and back and now it's enveloped almost my entire body. I'm exhausted all the time and my clumsiness has reached a whole new level (which I didn't think was possible). I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis this past Friday, and it's still hard to believe.

With all these circumstances, it's easy to ask: "Why me?" But over the past few days I've started to wonder..."Well, why NOT me?" I'm now at the point where I realize that you can't question God. God doesn't put anything on you that you can't bear and I've already given my worry and fear to Him. Not to sound cliche', but I know it's already all right.

None of us know what God's plan is for our individual lives but it is our duty to live it to the best of our ability, seize every opportunity that is presented to us and in turn, roll with the punches. I'm not going to let this bump in the road slow me down in any way. I still realize that there are big things planned for me and just because I have MS doesn't mean that MS has me.

Timeline of my journey:

(sometime in April)- experienced very bad vision problems and clumsiness (and ignored it)
June 27- experienced numbness in my hands (and ignored it)
June 28- experienced numbness in my core section and legs (and told someone)
June 29(am)- went to the walk-in at my doctor's office
June 29(pm)- was sent to raleigh neurology to meet with a specialist
June 30- began prescription meds
July 1- had my first mri
July 2- overheard my doctor telling my mom "it's probably ms"
July 3- got the news from the specialist that he thought it was ms
July 6- met with nurse to discuss treatment plans before my first infusion
July 7- continued morning infusions in the "iv suite"
July 8- had a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) at rex hospital

What Can YOU Really Do?

In a world so big, each individual person is so very small. The average man or woman's basic day-to-day decisions for self or family barely compare to the decisions that are made for the sake of an entire country. Today, President Obama is facing his first international challenge with North Korea's launching of two short-range missiles this morning, and one threatening nuclear test, yesterday. Now the Obama Administration is suiting-up as the world watches the American response in expectancy.

So, what can we really do, as citizens of this country? Though another country is presently threatening the security of all of our families, we cook-out for Memorial Day, go to work and tend to our daily lives as if everything is fine. That's really all we can do...

And one more thing.

Since I was young, I've always been a worrier; I've been told it runs in my family. I used to cry when my parents left the house for work in the morning, scared that they wouldn't return to me. I used to think about death constantly, always wary of its approach; and this was as an elementary-aged child! Frustrated with my anxiety, my mom quickly gave me the key to curing my fears. It was something so beautifully simple that I have held onto it ever since: PRAYER.

There are so many things in this world that are so much bigger than us: life, death, genocide, wars, pandemics, and the list goes on. But there is one person that is bigger than all of the above. His name is God. So, with God as the true decision-maker, I can't really worry about what tomorrow will bring. I honestly don't know how some people do it, the whole "not-believing thing." I, personally, would be a hot mess without faith; I'd have worried myself to death by now!

But you know what? It's already gucci (lol, yeah I said it). Hopefully the Obama Administration is consulting with God on this one, because He has the answer and He already knows the outcome. We all just have to let go and let God have his way. Amen? Amen.

When it Hurts so Bad, Why's it Feel so Good?

How much have you been hurt in your lifetime? How deep is the scar that the pain inflicted? I'm not talking about the scars that a Band-Aid can heal; I'm talking about emotional scars that mold and shape us into the people we are today. Although I'm still "young," I know that the way I think about, see and interact with the world is all based upon past experiences. Those close to me know that I'm slow to trust and slow to forgive.

I'm working on that.

One of the deepest pains that one can feel is based on one of the most sacred feelings that God has blessed us with: love. Love can be painful because it involves vulnerability, trust and self-sacrifice. And though it can provide us with a happiness that is unmatchable to any other joy, it's not free. In order to experience it, one must give the heart in return, while taking the chance of it being broken. For this, there is no insurance. That's the chance you take.

So, is it worth it? I think so. My girl Lauryn Hill said, "When it hurts so bad, why's it feel so good?" Well, emotionally, we gain so much from experiencing love. We gain from the good times and we gain from the bad. We learn from each experience that God grants us and it provides us with the strength, courage and wisdom that is necessary to face life ahead. If you're able to persevere through the pain, the scars inflicted give us the same strength, courage and wisdom that shape us into the people we are today.

Sometimes it can hurt so bad...but overcoming it feels so good. So...take a chance on love, I really think it's worth it.

This Will Really Make you "Look" Good...

At graduation, I made sure to tell my classmates, "I'll meet you at the top." Now that we all have departed and are going our separate ways, we are all slowly trying to climb our way up the ladder of success. At the top of this ladder exists the people who are going to open the proverbial hatch to allow us a seat with the "Big Leaguers:" the CEOs, entrepreneurs, professional athletes, performers, doctors, and lawyers that we all aspire to be. And we all know what they look for: grades, extra-curricular activities, internships, community service and blah, blah, blah.

As I try to make my own way to the top, I am amazed when I take the time to actually look around and see how others are doing it. While I'm (literally) breaking a sweat on my ladder, I've seen some people coasting up with no problem. While I'm staying up late in the library (eyes blurred and head all heavy), they're sleeping tight with the comfort of knowing that someone like me is going to be sitting diagonal from them, the next day. While I'm getting my sleep-deprived butt kicked in dodgeball during the SLP "activities," they're relaxing in their room because they know that they've got a "connection" that will help them into the organization. I've even witnessed people make half-hearted attempts at community service, just to later paint it into some endeavor that not only changed their lives, but also the lives of the "hundreds" of orphans that they tutored and mentored for a year in a small, war-torn African village.

Tons of people do this; and as I thought about this yesterday, I realized that tons of "Big Leaguers" have probably done it to. But the thing is...they made it to the top; so, does it really even matter what they did to get there?

This summer, I got lucky enough to land a pretty laid-back internship. One of the other interns admitted that he was just using this experience as a "resume'-builder." I'm pretty sure that if I wanted to, I could sit back and relax everyday that I'm here and still enjoy the benefits of saying that I worked at a prestigious firm this summer. That would really make me "look" good. But the fact that I actually want to be productive while I'm here seems to have surprised a lot of people. I actually want to learn something while I'm here for three months...isn't that what an internship is for? So, will I let go of that desire to actually "be" good at what I do instead of "look" good on paper?

No.

Call me crazy, but I'm going to try to actually try to earn my props. And I hope you will, too. So, once again...I'll meet you at the top. But I guess the new question isn't if you'll make it, it's how will you get there?

What am I Doing Here?

So, it's Wednesday: my third day at my first internship. As I sit here in my cubicle, idly looking around, I thought that blogging might be something productive to do. I mean, I am the Social Media Intern, so blogging is what I'm supposed to be doing...I think.

This summer, I am interning at a prestigious communications (public relations) firm. As a rising sophomore with barely any experience, I am so blessed to have this opportunity. As the Social Media Intern, I actively work with the Social Media Manager and the Interactive team. No, I don't get coffee and no, I don't make copies. God is definitely good. So, what do I do?

I don't even know.

I have been given an enormous amount of freedom with this opportunity, but I think it's a freedom that I will have to get used to. For the past three days, I've been really frustrated. My supervisor seems completely content with me just sitting here looking cute for three months. "I have no expectations for this summer, Jessica!" he told me (as if he was reassuring me). So, no pressure, right?

Wrong.

With this much freedom, it's not really in my nature to just chill-out and stay on Facebook all day. I need to be doing some legit. Really legit. So, hopefully some ingenious idea will strike me as I sit here in gratitude.

Until that time, I will also sit here in frustration as my "supervisor" tells me nothing about what I should be doing...for three months. I sit in awe as I listen to a "colleague" have a phone conversation...with someone who is right across the room. I sit in wonder as I receive an email as fast as an AOL instant message...from the person in the cubicle next to me. I sit in awe as I eat a lunch at an expensive restaurant...not knowing which "colleague" paid for it. I sit in annoyance as one of the interns talks my ear off...about nothing in particular.

If nothing else is clear, one thing is for sure: I am going to have to learn to go with the flow this summer...and this may be a long summer.