Defying MS...Everyday

Want to know how I've been feeling lately? I've been feeling VICTORIOUS. Yep, I've got the victory and I'm so glad I can say that again.

I've been doing well since the semester started, but definitely busy. I decided to pick up where I left off after freshman year. These were the days of naive, carefree, pre-MS bliss. I was involved in too many organizations to count, I exercised in the gym almost everyday and I was able to keep up with the best of 'em when it came to partying. Last year, after being hit with such life-changing (and depressing) news, I fell into a slump. Nevertheless, it was a "Jessica-slump," which means I wasn't exactly slacking...just not doing as much as I usually did. I was a Resident Assistant, a member of the Executive Board for Honors College, radio DJ, etc...but I would also lock myself in my room for hours at a time without realizing how much time had passed. I didn't exercise and I spent most of my time either in my room or traveling back home. I spent way too much time with these thoughts of mind- and with the cognitive effects of the previous medication I was on...these thoughts were not exactly pleasant.

Now, while I have not bounced back from the partying aspect of my younger self (which, looking back now at how much I've been through in just a year, seems light-years away), I have jumped back into the rest of my life head-first when it comes to joining and leading organizations or hanging out regularly with friends. Luckily, with this new medication- fatigue is no longer an issue, and neither is depression. Not only have I re-joined the University gospel choir (once again, strictly for my sanity and peace of mind), I am still a Resident Assistant, I am an on-campus intern for the University's Public Relations Office, chair of the entire Honors College, ambassador of a large-scale community service project taking place in late-October. I'm still involved with campus radio station and I'm even preparing to help host a state-wide Women's conference next week, back at home! Based on where I'm supposed to be right now (as far as feelings go), I'm completely off-track. A doctor might tell you that based on my recent diagnosis, I'm most likely depressed, anti-social and reclusive. I'm probably not doing much right now because I'm too worried about getting stressed and having a relapse. I'm probably not involved in much because I'm too sad.

Well right now, I feel like I'm slapping Multiple Sclerosis in the face by staying active, staying happy and staying optimistic. I'm back in the saddle and I've never been more comfortable. This is where I always have been and where I always plan to be.

I even started running!

It's funny how God works sometimes, isn't it? I was looking at my vision board one day and explaining it to a person in my dorm. She asked my why I had so many pictures of women running, when I had told her that I absolutely HATE and have always HATED running. I thought this was interesting because she was right. Even though I hate running, I've always admired those women who get up and run miles with ease before the sun comes up. I've always been curious about that "runner's high" I hear about. I've always envied the fact that they can get up and just go. When I told her this and told her that one day I would be the same way she challenged me.

"Well, when are you gonna get started on that vision?" she asked.
My mind went blank. "I don't know..." I told her. "One day, I guess."
"How about tomorrow?" she raised one eyebrow and smirked. Before I could respond, she explained. "I'm a long-distance runner," she said. "I ran every morning this summer and I just put together a group of a couple of girls, experienced and inexperienced, to start jogging with me in the morning- Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 5:30 am."

You would think the ridiculous time would have been the deal-breaker right? Haha, well actually I saw this as a new, exciting and scary opportunity to start making this "vision" a reality. I was even able to cross this off my bucket list (which is a big deal, because those tasks are not easy ones to accomplish)! For about a month now, I've been rising with the sun and running three times a-week. I'm far from a pro, but I've been able to impress myself each time. We began with five girls, now it's three of us on a good day. The girl who invited me to come has cancelled a few times...and I still went out to do it anyway! We stretch for five minutes and attempt to run for 30 minutes. After about four weeks, I'm proud to say I can now run for fifteen minutes without stopping. The rest of the fifteen minutes is a run/walk combination, for me. It's been difficult but I'm actually enjoying it! This is the girl who used to get nauseous at the sight of a track and cry from anxiety every time she had to race! This same girl is actually enjoying running! I guess it's mind over matter, huh?

This would make no sense, whatsoever to a doctor. I'm an anomaly. If you saw my MRI, you would not think the person it matched with would even be able to get out of bed in the morning. A doctor would say that I'm most likely too fatigued from the disease to run. I don't have enough energy to make it as far as I do. I probably wouldn't have the emotional and physical endurance to keep moving.

Running is so empowering to me; it makes me feel like I have some power over my condition and it makes me feel like I'm slapping Multiple Sclerosis in the face every time I finish running. When I first started running a couple week ago, I would always say, "I'm not supposed to be able to do this!" Now, I say to MS, "Catch me if you can!" Running makes me feel physically strong and physically able- and best of all, it makes me feel like I'm now one of those smiling, strong joggers that I cut out of Women's Health Magazine!

MS is supposed to stop you from moving...but by staying socially and physically active, I am disproving a medically-proven fact and confusing all the specialists. And, rest assured, I plan to continue back-slapping MS for the rest of my life. #EVL >:)

Memories...or Visions?

So many of us are constantly on the road to achievement and success through self-improvement. We try to begin exercising (again), try to eat right, be nicer, be more spiritual or simply more self-disciplined. Personally, I am always trying to be better than I currently am. With a wall in my dorm room strictly devoted to my personal vision boards, I'm always trying to do things to get closer to my visions of my future. Remember when you were some of those things you now want to become again? A leader, a reader, a writer, an artist, friendly, hard-working, etc.? Well, for me, these visions are not only derived from people and things I admire or desire, they're also personal memories from the past...about myself. In my memory, I was, at one point, this person I am constantly striving to be once again.

Whether by taking my medicine, taking vitamins, trying to become a yoga beast, constantly praying throughout the day to maintain my peace or making an effort to do something nice for someone else- I'm always trying to improve and get back to who I used to be. In my memory, I am younger- maybe middle school-aged- and as self-disciplined as the best of them. I would awaken before sunrise to do yoga or some form of exercise, I would get on my knees to pray every night (a different prayer each time), I would obsessively clean because I recognized that my surroundings affected my mood (messy room/house=frazzled Jess), and I would maintain a positive outlook, attitude and disposition at all times. I was beyond awesome, if I say so myself.

Today, as I ate breakfast and thought about this super-girl I used to be and my constant attempts to bring her back, I started wondering...are these actual memories? Or could they be visions of what I could be? Many of these "memories" are sharp, detailed and clear...unlike any of my other memories of the past. I started wondering if I ever was this seemingly perfect person. Given that I'm clearly human, I highly doubt it. I may have, in the past, tried and succeeded at some of the things I'd like to do or become in the future; but to think that I had it all together and under control for the younger years of my life then fell off is slightly unrealistic. But, that's not to say that I can't continue to strive to become this person.

To take it a little deeper, what if these visions that I've had since before I can remember, that seem as close and intimate as memories were not originally my own? I'm a firm believer that that thing we call a conscious (gut, intuition, instinct, heart, feeling, little angel on the shoulder) is God- who resides in each of us. What if God gave us these "memories-" and the instict to follow them, to show us that we have the potential to become exactly whom and what we envision? If these visions present themselves as memories, they seem much closer, more realistic and much more attainable.

Whether this perception I've always had of myself and what I can become is a memory or a divine vision, I plan to continue pursuing it down my personal road to achievement and success through self-improvement. After all, I've already succeeded at this journey before...I think.

What Happened to My Sist[ah]'s Keeper?

Sistahs, we have a problem. Over the past few months it has become apparent to me that there is a epidemic of negative attitudes toward one another in our community, possibly stemming from jealousy, competition, paranoia and maybe even flat-out hatred. My question is why? I go to one of the most prestigious historically black institutions in the nation and I am sick and tired of seeing girls give each other these up-and-down looks, side-eyes and fake smiles. What happened to sisterhood?

This summer, I was so excited when I found out that I would be working under a black woman. Initially, she welcomed me with open arms, keeping an extremely casual tone. She even sent me to one of the most amazing conferences that I've ever attended. I felt so grateful to be able to develop a relationship with such a strong, accomplished black woman, while also making my mark in the corporate world. However, over time she began to change. Whether it was from pressure from within the company or issues at home, I don't know- but her warm demeanor quickly changed to distant, cold and finally...downright hostile. She would tell me, "It's so great to have another one of 'us' in the office. I see myself in you and my only hope is that you can one day take my position and continue what we've started." Literally, in the same breath, her tone would change and she would say something like, "I don't have time to answer any of your questions. This internship is YOUR responsibility so figure it out and get out of my office." Weird, huh?

Pretty soon, our daily meetings became a routine of her closing the door then proceeding to verbally berate me about everything from incorrect usage of a gerund in my story to the family vacation I had told her about at the beginning of the summer. It made no sense to me why she had become so different, but I initially blamed myself and took it as a lesson in getting a thicker skin. Everyday, I would dart out of her office and quickly walk to the bathroom before my eyes overflowed. I began to dread seeing her at work as I desperately tried to self-correct the never-ending issues that she had with me. I read the A.P. Style Book from cover to cover, studied the company writing manual and offered to cancel the one vacation that I had planned. What I never planned to do was report her. As one of the only other black women at the company, I couldn't even fathom jeopardizing her career with what I saw as petty complaints. My goal was to continuously let her know that I was on her side...on her team. Unfortunately, that effort wasn't received well either. I was starting to understand the wary looks that I received when I initially described my manager to other black women. How had they foreseen issues on the horizon? My naivete had led me to think very differently.

Since my own personal experience with working with black women, I have witnessed so many other incidences between black women in the workplace. One incident happened last night when the women from Housekeeping came to clean my dorm in preparation for the student move-in today. These women strolled in with their new supervisor (another black woman) and proceeded to the seven floors to begin cleaning as the supervisor left. One hour later, my dorm director was surprised to see them gathered in one of the rooms bashing the new supervisor. After confronting them, they dispersed to clean again, and left after 30 minutes of working. We quickly discovered that a thorough cleaning had NOT been done, in a clear attempt to sabotage the new supervisor.

Sistahs, seriously, what happened to sisterhood? Sure, we don't all have to love each other but respect should be a minimum. Desire for each other to succeed to should be a given. What most of us fail to realize is that when you try to sabotage one of us...you sabotage all of us. As a unit, you make us all look bad. This competitive catty interaction is not even natural or native to our community! In the beginning, we were our sisters' keepers. In this capitalistic society, are we now our sisters' enemies? We desperately need to bring the greater family back into our communities, because without unity we can NEVER move forward. We need to be a family that is happy when the other succeeds- not threatened and jealous. I've talked to God about the promise land and He tells me that there's more than enough room at the top. Other communities know this and reach back to help each other up. We need to stop competing with each other and band together. We always complain about people holding us back...but could it be that we're so indoctrinated that we're holding ourselves back?

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds. -Bob Marley

So, to quickly sum up the experience with my manager- let's just say that God stepped in and said, "ENOUGH." After one particular incident of her harassing me without clear reason, I left her office and was immediately faced by my manager's boss (the woman who hired me) standing on the other side of the door. She had overheard the entire conversation and was outraged. It turned out that several other employees had reported my manager for various reasons. I guess my situation was the icing on the cake. I was immediately transferred to a different manager and interestingly enough, my previous manager was laid off at the end of the summer. I hate that we were never able to talk and figure out why it did not work out but it was clear that for some reason, she felt threatened by her intern's acceptance and progress at the organization. That is something I will never understand and I cannot wait to become successful so I can do the opposite for my predecessors.

Sistahs, it's up to each us to change this epidemic of negativity toward one another. We have to stop feeling threatened by each others' successes and try to realize that God has so much in store for all of us. Let's bring the sisterhood back to our community and start lifting each other up- our sisters desperately need to be kept.