Touched by an Angel

I've always felt protected. And I'm not talking about that "safe feeling" we may get when around family or other loved ones. I'm talking about being covered...enveloped...cloaked, by something ethereal. Something divine. When I was younger, I felt like a guardian angel was constantly beside me. What some refer to as a "conscious," I always regarded as the voice of my angel. Whether it was that feeling in the pit of my stomach, whisper of warning in the back of my head, or even simple things that seemed to be a sign from above; I always thought of these feelings and experiences as direct communication from the "man with the master plan."

I was in elementary school when my family's car broke down on the highway, on the way to Louisiana. Engine problems had stopped us on a bridge, with no lights and no form of communication (there were no cell phones back then) in the dead of the night. I remember my little brothers crying because they were scared and even the panicked/shaken looks on my parents' faces as they whispered about what to do. And me? I had that feeling again. I was covered. My family was covered, and we would all be okay. In my mind, my angel had already started solving the issue- we just had to wait patiently.

My dad took off walking down the highway, trying to flag down some help, while my mom got me and my two brothers out of the car and away from the edge of the bridge. Within about ten minutes (which seemed much longer at the time), a huge 18-wheeler pulled in front of us. My dad came jogging back in the darkness. After speaking to the man through the truck window, he looked to us, standing in a scared huddle by our van. "I found help!" he said.

My mom looked at my dad with a wary look. "He's just going to give us a lift to the truck stop," my dad said. "It's a mile up the road, at the next exit." My dad sounded surprisingly reassured. We all headed to the truck.

On the way to the truck stop, my family stayed quiet as the truck driver (Frank) talked to my dad. He was pale as a ghost and pretty scraggly-looking, but something about him radiated positively. I listened over the rumble of the truck's wheels. "It's all going to be alright," Frank said to my dad. "God never puts folks in a place without reason. I was meant to see you all tonight." The more he conversed with my dad, the more sure I became. It was clear...this man was an angel! I tugged on my mom's sleeve as they talked.

"Mom," I whispered. "Look! He's an angel...I can see his wings under his jacket." My mom shushed me but looked warily at the trucker's back. To her, he probably looked hunch-backed. But to me, I was convinced that there were big, strong wings hidden underneath that leather.

"I'm gonna take y'all to this truck stop right up here," the angel said as we pulled off the exit. "I come through here once or twice a-week while I'm making my stops to sit down at the diner next door. I always get a coffee from a nice lady named Angela. I know everyone in there and I'm sure they'll take care of you."

As we parked next to the diner, the angel hopped out. "I'm gonna get some gas," he said. "Y'all take your time, I'll be in there in a bit to make sure you got everything sorted out."

My dad nodded and headed inside to use the phone, while my mom escorted my brothers and me to a booth in the diner. Sure enough, we were greeted moments later by an older black woman by the name of "Angela." She took our order and gave us a list of numbers to call for tow services and car shops. After about ten minutes, my dad came walking back to the table.

"Frank's gone," he said, confused.

"But I thought..." Mom started.

"Who's that y'all lookin' for?" Angela asked, as she approached with a coffee pot.

"Frank," Dad answered. "He's the truck driver that brought us here. I just wanted to give him some money for his troubles..."

Angela stared at us strangely, "Well, I know every single trucker that comes through here Sir...I don't know no Frank."

Mom and Dad got quiet. "He said he passes through a couple times a week.." my mom explained. "He actually mentioned your name, too."

Angela shook her head and asked the other three waitresses if they knew of a Frank. They all shook their heads, confused. "I'm sorry Sir," Angela said. "Never heard of 'em."

I smiled and looked up. Covered.


Have you been touched by an angel?

Where Have You Been All My Life?

Today, I came across a news story that begged the question, "Why? Why did you stop making music? Why did you leave us?" This question was posed to one of my idols, Ms. Lauryn Hill. Let's just say I, along with millions of others, have been desperately wondering this same question for years. I won't paraphrase the article, but I will say that it did not disappoint. Here's the comment that I made after reading/listening to it:

This interview gave me exactly what I needed to hear. I appreciate the fact that Lauryn takes her music (art) as seriously as I do. It's like waiting on good food. I don't mind if the chef takes a long time to make my food, as long as the food comes out as close to perfection as possible. Don't get me wrong- I may be hungry, but I'm still willing to wait. You can't rush perfection.

I hope that Lauryn takes as much time as she needs to prepare herself for a return to us. Honestly, I'm really just encouraged to know that, at some point, she will return. Until then, I'll continue to be patient.

I can't lie- I feel guilty for seeing Lauryn's disappearance as abandonment. We often forget that stars are people, too. I truly respect that fact that she was able to step away from the limelight to not only take care of her family, but take care of herself too. Now that she's ready (on her own terms), I feel like her return will bring some truly authentic music. I'M ECSTATIC!

Read the full article here: http://n.pr/aodyMe
Listen to the full interview here: http://n.pr/bHSJcy

India Arie - Beautiful Flower (original recording)

This is the song I referenced in my post about "Entertainment as Food." India is singing the original recording in this video. Listen to the words, hopefully you can get it stuck in your head, too!

Def Poetry: A Blues For Nina

My favorite part of the BET Awards was the nod to "Love Jones," one of my favorite movies! Check out this clip from the actual movie, starring Nia Long and Larenz Tate.

Okay Chris, Fine. I'll Give You a Chance

Forget the #TeamChris and #TeamRihanna phenemenon for a second. I was NEVER a part of either team. I don't support domestic violence and because the details of the event were fuzzy, I chose to not support either of them. Now, I understand that a good person forgives, but I didn't feel like either of their first statements were sincere.

What happened between Chris Brown and Rihanna is none of my business, nor did I care to know. I was just upset because these two people serve as icons and role models for kids who don't have ANYONE else to look to. I was upset at how they allowed themselves to show anything but their best behavior to these kids. Especially to kids who have witnessed domestic violence, this incident just served as further reinforcement that violence is okay.

But this...this is raw emotion. It's raw sincerity. It's authentic remorse. After seeing this performance, I couldn't keep my guard up any longer. I appreciate the fact that he gave his all in this performance, allowed himself to look like a punk on national television and showed himself to be humble and thankful when he won an award at the end of the show.

Now, while I am still not #TeamChris, nor #TeamRihanna, I am willing to give Chris Brown another chance. This performance reminded me why I liked him in the first place, and his emotion reminded me that everyone makes mistakes. I hope that he's taken the past year to get himself together, find real help and truly think about the terrible thing that he did...because I didn't want to stop liking him. I loved his music, but I fundamentally could not let myself support him after his dirty laundry aired.

Now, before everyone starts saying, "I was with him through it all," think about what you're saying. Because I definitely had some words for a few of you back when everyone was saying "Rihanna probably provoked him. She deserved it." (Yes, I did hear that disgusting comment on more than one occasion.) I appreciate his candidness and I appreciate how he honored Michael Jackson. He hasn't completely won me to his "team," but I'm open to checking him out.

Now, this isn't a celebrity/pop culture blog, so I'm NOT even going to get started on Alicia "Homewrecker" Keys. I'm sorry, but I'm just not the type of person who can separate the person from their music. If you are fortunate enough to be placed in a position where millions listen to what you have to sing or say...you must also realize that you are serving as a role model for those millions of people, too. It's not fair that their personal lives have to be on display, but with great power comes great responsibility.

Happy Anniversary?

Today is June 28, a year from the day that this crazy journey with MS began. I just realized it when looking at the timeline that I did last year. That's all I could really do at the time. My mom told me I should document everything since it was all happening so fast, so I did just that. Documented what I was feeling and left all emotions out of it. Thinking back, I don't even really know what emotions I experienced. I was very out-of-touch. The one thing I can remember was frustration. And not frustration about the diagnosis, but frustration that I was going to have to sit through long appointments instead of do my work and get on with my life.

It kind of reminds me of this car accident I got in once. It was 2007, and I was driving to the football game at school. As I was preparing to make a left turn at the light, the car that I thought had stopped during the yellow light, suddenly barrelled forward while I was in the middle of the intersection. My body jerked forward (that's the day I found out that my car didn't have airbags smh), and I was suddenly and completely halted in the street with another car dented into mine. When I finally realized what had happened, I was so...FRUSTRATED. Not frustrated that my car was totaled, but frustrated that I wasn't going to be able to make it to the game. That's the first thing I remember thinking about...like, "Dang, I'm already late for first quarter. I don't have time for this."

Weird, huh? Well, that's the same emotion I remember feeling as people poked me with needles and prodded me with cold objects asking if I could feel it. I was thinking, "UGH, I don't have time for this." When they finally told me I had multiple sclerosis, I was remember thinking..."Okay, well give me some medicine! I have an internship I need to get to!" It was everyone else's reaction that made me realize that this was kind-of serious. Almost all of my friends burst out crying after hearing the news. Confused, I tried to console them..but I slowly started to become more concerned. What was I really dealing with here?

It's now a year later and I can say that I am a very different person than I was a year ago. I see the world differently. I see myself differently. I even see people differently. I have new level of empathy and a new level of wisdom that could not have been gained any other way.

Physically, I'm in better shape than I was before. I've taken an interest in trying to control the things that I can, because MS is enough to deal with. I have a high tolerance for pain, and I now know how to not only assemble and fill a syringe, but give myself injections- something I thought would be impossible, last year. I get tired around 3:00 (like most people), but this tiredness can become almost debilitating every hour that passes.

Mentally, I try to stay sharp. Though there are constant threats of physical impairment, I'm most scared of the cognitive impairment. That's the reason why I've tried to learn a new word everyday, continue writing and start reading again. I've always been a little slow to catch-on to concepts, but I work even harder to understand now.

Socially, I am constantly fighting the urge to be a recluse. Everyday I wake up, I think about how nice it would be to lay around in the bed all day and not answer my phone for anyone. My phone began to stress me out last semester, hence the reason why I always keep it on silent. Sophomore year, I feel like I hid in my room. My room was my refuge where I could choose to NOT answer when someone knocked on my door (which happened often). I don't know why this began to happen after my diagnosis- maybe it was the medication (which is known to cause depression), but I do know that I have to continue to fight this reclusiveness because interaction is essential to growth.

And because of this knowledge, I am actively trying to put myself in social situations that may make me uncomfortable, but will also facilitate further growth. Side note: It's funny...I contacted over 10 places in Raleigh expressing my desire to volunteer. Following my aunt's (STRONG) suggestion that I also contact the MS Society, I waiting about a week to hear back from one of the organizations. Guess which one contacted me? That's right, the MS Society not only contacted me about becoming a Wellness Counselor and Speaker, but they also asked me to come in THIS week for one-on-one training. What's even more interesting is that they weren't even aware that I have MS. Funny how God works, huh? (Still haven't heard back from the other organizations). So, it looks like I have some public speaking in my future.

Spiritually, I've never been closer to God. I constantly feel His presence and it doesn't scare me; it comforts me. I constantly talk to Him and try to say "thank you" everyday that I can sit-up, swing my legs out of the bed and walk to the bathroom. It's funny how I would have never thought to thank Him for something that simple, before.

I know God's not done with me yet. I also know that there are going to be much worse things to come my way. It's my trust and faith in God that assures me that I will experience nothing that I can't bear...and I'll never face it alone.


In retrospect, it's amazing how God works. I would have never gained this insight and wisdom any other way; so, in a way, I'm thankful for MS. I'm thankful for the person that it is molding me into and the wisdom that it has given me. I'm thankful that I faced something this traumatic so early, because I fee; betterh equipped for any future bumps in the road. I am becoming a spiritual warrior...growing stronger everyday.

Entertainment as Food: You Are What You Eat

"I release all disappointment
from my mental, physical, spiritual and
emotional body..
Cause I know that spirit guides me
And love lives
inside me..
That's why I today I take life as it comes"

- "Healing" by India Arie

Whoo, that song gets me goin'. I have been addicted to India Arie and her lyrics since before I can remember. And what I love most about her songs is that they get stuck in my head. And they serve as positive re-enforcers that I repeat over-and-over-and-over to myself. Like "I am not my Hair," "Strength, Courage and Wisdom," "Video" and especially "Slow Down." I intentionally start my day with some India Arie, because who wouldn't want to have these positive messages secretly on repeat throughout the turmoil of the day? For example, the other day I got a lyric from her song, "Beautiful Flower," stuck in my head.

The part I kept mentally repeating was:

"You're beautiful like a flower, more valuable than a diamond, you are powerful
like a fire, you can heal the world with your mind.
There is nothing in the world that you cannot do when you believe in you. You are beautiful; yeah, you, you are brilliant; yeah, you, you are powerful; yeah,
you, you are resilient.."

What an awesome thing to repeat to yourself all day, right? What kind of songs or movie scenes get stuck in your head throughout the day? There really is a science in the power of self-talk. I wonder how psychologically different two people are, depending on what songs they get stuck in their heads. For example, if someone cannot stop thinking about that one really negative and degrading song...what affect does it have on self-esteem?

Just a thought.

I have a true affinity for songs that speak positivity and inspiration. Messages that actually mean something. For this reason, I admit, I am probably the opposite of eclectic. I like my Neo-Soul (India Arie, Jill Scott, Lauryn Hill, Musiq Soulchild)...and that's about it. I haven't even really listened to the local radio stations since I discovered Pandora. Now I can listen to my positive re-enforcing messages all day long lol. But I am also a fan of educated Hip-Hop. Early Kanye West, Drake (before he was discovered) and Common. I like people who actually have something meaningful to say...it's not just about a "great beat" to me.

What if we looked at entertainment as food or nourishment? We all need a healthy dose of it to stay healthy (or sane), though too much of it can be detrimental. When looking at the type of entertainment we eat, one must also be conscious of the type (or food group). Entertainment with seemingly negative messages (violent movies or degrading song lyrics) should by no means be banned, but eaten sparely- with caution. Too much of anything can have a negative effect. Degrading music can have a negative effect on our self-esteem and outlook on life. Violence in movies or television desensitizes us to the pain of others, thereby lowering our level of empathy. I sometimes wonder how I would react if I saw someone get shot at close-range or violently raped. I expect I'd be shocked, but at the same time...I've seen that same scene while watching Law & Order: SVU. Would I really be paralyzed with shock and fear?

One of my favorite movies is "Last Holiday," starring Queen Latifah as Georgia Byrd. In the movie, her doctor tells her that she has a fatal case of Lampington's Disease and only has 3-weeks to live. Byrd, who has lived a significantly simple and safe existence while keeping a book of "Possibilities," which features pages of her dreams- dream vacation, dream food and even a dream husband. Given this fatal diagnoses, she decides to live her dreams. I love this movie because though my diagnosis was not fatal, it was life-changing. MS could make anyone want to throw their hands up and give up. "Last Holiday," though silly...is one of those "feel good" comfort food movies for me...kind-of like cheesy mashed potatoes. It inspires me and also makes me feel like everything really will be okay.

There really is a power in thought. If you suddenly start to think your life sucks, best believe that things will start looking more and more gloomy everyday. If you suddenly start thinking, "My life is great. I am so happy," trust and believe that those birds will be chirping a little louder each day. Don't believe me? Try it! The power of thought is magical.

Many people don't realize how much our thoughts can affect us...not just mentally, but physically and emotionally too. In fact, It has been scientifically proven that people diagnosed with fatal or significantly impacting diseases often fare better when maintaining a positive attitude and positive outlook on life. For this reason, you can definitely find me watching what I "eat."

A Purpose-Driven Path

I need to get my life together and commit to writing everyday. I know it doesn't have to be a novel...it can even be shorter than a paragraph. I just need to get all these thoughts out somehow.

Update on MS: My body built up SUPER antibodies to Betaseron. So, my decision comes down to Copaxone, Tysabri or nothing. Here's a quick overview of what I'm thinking: Though Copaxone is administered through injections, I'm used to giving myself injections now- so while it's a pain (literally), I can deal with it. Why deal with it? Well, I need Tysabri (the other drug) to get some more years under its belt. It's been out for less than five years and it's only side effect is a fatal brain disease that 1/1000 people can potentially develop. Statistics don't have much of a positive effect on me though because I've always seen myself in the minority of the statistic. For example, not many people get Multiple Sclerosis...but I did. Not many people build up antibodies to interferon...but I did. Not many people make bad decisions and get caught...but I do. So...I'm not a big fan of odds. I think I'm going to deal with the injections for a little longer while Tysabri gets more research. MS is not fatal and it is already proven to lead to disability, so why, at this age, would I put myself at risk for fatality and higher risk of disability? Just my thoughts...

You may be thinking, "you're basically asymptomatic, why not just avoid medication?" Well, after speaking with God one-on-one, we've agreed that He'll take care of me if I take care of myself. That's why I've been working-out three times a week, taking my vitamins (for once) and finally doing some research on this thing called MS.

As for an Internship Update: Let's just say I'm learning a lot about corporate America...it's been a month now and I'm starting to get the hang of everything: the corporate mentality, writing adaptability and I've even mastered Microsoft Sharepoint. However, I've also learned that having a thick skin is one of the most important variables in the equation of "making it." That's taken me a little bit longer to develop (what can I say? I'm a sensitive person).

So, I've really been thinking about the whole "divine purpose thing" lately and I've made some pretty deep conclusions. @RevRunWisdom said the other day, "Your talents are God's gift to you. What you do with those talents is your gift to God." After reading that piece of wisdom, I started thinking about my own talents and how I could use them. Then I started thinking more deeply about it. It's funny how my greatest experiences in life have come from chances that I took. These chances were never ones I was comfortable with, but I ended up gaining more fulfillment from it in the end (and inspiring more people, too).

With that said...let's just say that I'm planning to do something BIG, very soon. It's a plan to basically showcase myself and my talents to hundreds (maybe thousands) of people while also speaking out about my walk with MS and the wisdom I've gained from it. I'm not completely comfortable OR sure that I can carry-out this plan (and I'm VERY scared)- but that's what I'm excited about. I'm planning to put myself OUT of my comfort zone to hopefully get closer to my own divine purpose. Stay tuned...