I've got goosebumps right now. Ever feel like you've stumbled down a path that God MEANT for you to follow? That's how I feel right now, except more intense. There are just too many "coincidences" going on in my life right now for me to think that they really are just random occurrences. God has been trying to speak to me lately and I've finally gotten the hint.
After being diagnosed with MS last year, some of you may have wondered what happened and what I did. Well, in true Jess-form, I kept on truckin. I learned how to do the every-other-day injections and I went back to school like nothing had happened. I kept my illness to myself, I discreetly escaped to my room to "handle my business," and I made straight A's. Most people probably wouldn't have guessed my inner turmoil. But something had indeed happened, within a few weeks my life had changed forever. Looking back at myself, I'm amazed at how I was even able to ACT like I was okay! How could I be okay? It was like a part of me had died, never to return again. That part of me was the innocent, never-had-to-truly-struggle-before kid. All of a sudden, at 19 years old, I knew TRUE heartbreak, TRUE sadness, TRUE anger and TRUE uncertainty.
Sure those emotions are common; but trust me, I came closer to those feelings than ever before- so close it was as if a knife was being cut into my flesh. What I should've done is let myself bleed. Instead, I quickly bandaged myself before the wounds could truly heal. Now, I'm I'm left with scars. Scars that will probably never really go away- but it's not necessarily a bad thing. The scars will always serve as a reminder that I'm supposed to be doing something with this struggle. This is my testimony.
What a "coincidence" that the subject of my pastor's sermon two weeks ago was about sharing your testimony. He said your story is not for you...it's for others. It's for others to be inspired. Keeping a testimony to oneself is, in some aspects, selfish. I heard him. But I didn't really HEAR him.
It's funny how things happen. I ended up at the internship that I am at now, seemingly by chance. I am now the Social Media Intern at Allscripts, an up-and-coming Healthcare company that specializes in electronic medical records. Healthcare...something I've come to learn so much about in the past year; from insurance, to co-pays, to follow-ups, to record keeping. What a "coincidence" that I would end up here, after applying to more than 20 other companies (none of which invited me to their programs).
When meeting and conversing with my new co-workers, I thought about what my pastor said. It had always been so hard to tell people about my MS...so I rarely did. But "something" told me to do it when I talked with a few of my new colleagues. I told them that what drew me to the company was the fact that I am a patient. Diagnosed with MS last year, I knew how important and innovative their work in healthcare was. I saw their product and company through a unique lens. After sharing this, the reactions I received were similar. Both (Senior Vice Presidents) looked surprised, sad, amazed...and slightly uncomfortable. But they both admitted that my honesty was refreshing, genuine and...inspirational. What a "coincidence."
As the social media intern for the company, I advise on many things, including blogging. Yesterday, on my third day of my internship, I decided to read over some of my blog posts from last year. That's when I came across my post about the diagnosis (yet another "coincidence"). I saw comments that I hadn't previously seen- one that referred me to a girl in a similar situation. I was immediately intrigued and clicked on the hyperlink to her blog. At 29 years old, this girl was the closest to my age that I had ever met, dealing with MS. As I read about her struggles with the disease (which were much more severe than my own), I was surprised at her faith. She not only spoke about dealing with MS, but she also talked about how she had come to fully and completely put herself in God's hands. Despite blindness, immobility and all things associated with MS, she was healed. She regained all of her functioning by faith. As I read her posts, I found myself crying in the middle of my job. This was amazing...and NO coincidence.
After reaching out to this girl, I realized that God was really trying to tell me something. For the past day, I've been feeling like he's right in front of me- looking me in my eyes, shaking me like "c'mon Jess...do ya get it yet?" Well, I don't really understand what God is trying to tell me, but I think it may be that I'm supposed to starting writing again. And not just writing, but sharing my story. Talking about what I've been through and what I'm going through. And if there is a greater plan (which I'm sure there is), I am positive that it will come to fruition.
I've got to start re-evaluating my faith and my trust in God. I kept my MS to myself out of fear...fear of judgement, fear of unwanted sympathy, fear of making people uncomfortable. But, it's time for me to take these bandages off and showing off these wounds that I bear. I just pray that I inspire SOMEONE to do the same.
If you're reading this right now, I'd like to officially welcome you to my life. This is me, uncovered, uninhibited and undeniably ready. Hold on tight...it's definitely gonna be a bumpy ride.
