Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

I have big dreams for my life and since I was diagnosed with MS, it's like I can hear a clock ticking each second of each day as it passes. Another day gone; time I can never get back. I've always been afraid of time. The present becomes a memory so quickly and we spend so much time wondering "what next?" and "I can't wait for..." that the present quickly becomes a blur rather than a moment we took full advantage of.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

For me, the whole "when I grow I want to be..." has become much more present tense and no longer wishful thinking. Right now, I want to be a community health advocate, a college graduate, I want my master's degree, I want to work for a high-profile PR agency, I want to be an entrepreneur, I want to be an author, I want to be a freelance writer, I want to sing, I want to travel and I want to live my life to the fullest. Right now. Everyday I wake up and think to myself, what can I do today that will get me closer to these plans? With that in mind, almost everything I do is purposeful.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Over the past year, I have been making strides to bring my entrepreneurial ambitions to life. My company, Footprint Social Media, will assist small businesses with social media branding through full-scale analysis, strategy, development and finally, consultation/implementation. With the website for my business set to launch this week and potential clients on the horizon, I'm getting closer and closer to this dream.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

While this dream has been at the forefront of my mind for the past year, I have also been taking steps to accomplish other dreams. I have finished a novel that I began in high school and am hoping to get it reviewed, edited and hopefully published on an e-network within the next year. I have started applying for various internships and opportunities that have the ability to bring me closer to my dreams of working for a PR agency and becoming a freelance writer/blogger. After hearing this, so many people ask, "What's the rush?" Well, for me, the future is NOW.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Because of MS, so much is unknown when it comes to my health and what I'll look like in 10, 20, 30+ years. Will I be able to walk? Will I be able to talk? Will I be able to hug my family and friends? While I pray on this often and have been persistently taking my medication everyday, I can't help but wonder about the future and feel like I need to start preparing now. If my health and functioning does dramatically decline over the next few years, I want to have accomplished the goals I had set out to accomplish and not have wasted any valuable time. The clock is ticking and this is a race I do not plan to lose.

A Pat on the Back

A few posts ago I wrote about the verbal-lashing I received from my MS-mentor about skipping out on my daily injections. Although we had only met and spoken over the phone twice, she talked to me as if we had known each other forever and scolded me like she really cared. At the time I was shocked, but it turns out that the shock was exactly what I needed to get back on track.

My MS-mentor had suggested that I make a new personal rule. "Don't brush your teeth until you do your injection," she told me. "Make that your rule." As someone who would never leave the house before brushing her teeth, this rule has really worked for me. It's actually worked so well that I now associate brushing my teeth with giving myself an injection. If I somehow forget about this rule when I wake up, I suddenly remember as I walk to the bathroom with my toothbrush. I am so grateful for this, because it has allowed me to better keep up with the injections as well as my vitamins and weekly medications.

I feel like taking care of myself has allowed me to better trust myself. My mentor told me that you have to give your body a chance to fight against this disease with all its might. By giving my body this fair chance, I feel more secure and less worried about the future. Along with the injections and daily vitamins, I have been able to maintain a positive attitude. With this recipe for success, I think I can finally start patting myself on the back. Before I do that, however, I think I should call my mentor back and thank her for getting me back on track. Sometimes we all need a little shock.

Young Role Models Embrace their Kinky Locks

While many are criticizing the current "going natural" movement as a fad/phase, I am loving the fact that we are gaining so many young role models that are not only comfortable with their kinky-curly locks, they are LOVING them! Last week, Sesame Street debuted a new star with an awesome message to share. This little black girl is passionately in love with her hair and its versatility (as seen in the video), and wants the world to know! In popular culture, rising 9-year old star/phenomenon, Willow Smith, also debuted her first video for her head-banging hit "Whip my Hair" last week. In the video, Willow whips her braids, cotton candy afro, and "bantu knots" around with more pride than many older women can understand.

Young African American girls are gaining so many role models to look to for self-esteem and a positive self-image. With young women such as this cute little chocolate-y Sesame Street star, Willow Smith and Disney's Princess Tiana, I am extremely optimistic about the state of young black girls. Accepting that we don't have to have bone straight or bleached blond hair to be beautiful is a step that many are still struggling to take. This younger generation has not only taken this step, they have gone a step further and embraced what they have already been blessed with. Shoutout to their parents for instilling this at a young age! I think it's time the rest of us take note and do the same. These girls prove that you can be a role model at ANY age.

For the tear-jerking story behind the Sesame Street song, click here.
To view the Willow Smith video, click here.

Watch the extremely cute integration of the Sesame Street girl and the "Whip my Hair" song here!

A Sign from Above

If you know me well, you'll know what I mean when I tell you I'm a sucker for signs. I see signs everywhere. In the random occurrences of the day, I find meaning for life in the simplest and most complex situations and people. Whether it's something as small as a butterfly crossing my path to remind me of that "life goes on," or as big as being lost and led home by a school bus that says (written in the dirt residue on the side) "follow me" (both of these occurrences have happened); it's a meaning that may tell me to go left, to go right, up or down. It may tell me the purpose of a situation or the reasoning behind a life-changing event. Either way, while this may sound superstitious, it's these signs that I consciously (and subconsciously) live my life by.

I met my most recent sign when I joined the Gospel Choir a few weeks ago. Right after the very first rehearsal, we joined hands and the choir president asked if there were any prayer requests. My sign raised her hand (let's call her Jasmine). Jasmine told the group that her mother suffers from MS and hasn't been doing well since Jasmine left home. She asked for our prayers. Immediately after practice I approached her and told her that I also have MS and would be praying for her mom. She looked at me in awe. "But you're so young," she said, obviously confused. I could feel her staring at me as I left practice.

Every practice, she would talk about her mother and tell details that sometimes made me uncomfortable. "My mom has really been having trouble walking lately. Please pray for her..." "My mom went to the doctor last week and they found more lesions on her brain. Please pray for her..." "I don't know how many of you know this, but my mom has to give herself injections everyday for her MS and she's really been struggling with it lately because her hands are shaky. I think she's going to have to get a nurse to give her the shots. Please pray for her..."

While I did continue to pray for Jasmine and her mother, I couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed by her openness about the disease and uncomfortable about the details she gave. No one in the room knew I, too, had MS and I didn't want them to judge the disease from only hearing Jasmine's sad accounts. Plus, hearing her talk about her mother's struggles did ignite small fears in my own mind. Could that be me one day?

Following each practice, Jasmine would make her way over to me to ask me how I'm feeling. I would always tell her (enthusiastically) that I'm fine and would continue to pray for her mom. Each time she seemed skeptical. Outside of practice, I could feel Jasmine's surprise when she saw me MC'ing for an open mic event, working at my dorm and hanging up posters around campus. She seemed awed by my activity and confused by my optimism.

Before realizing that Jasmine was a bright, flashing sign in my life, I asked God for guidance last week. I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed with all that I'm doing this semester and of all my activities, the Gospel Choir seemed to be the expendable factor. However, while it does require a large commitment, it is one of the things I have been enjoying most this semester. With the choir dues being collected for the last time on Thursday, I asked God to please show me a sign to tell me what I should do.

I walked into practice on Thursday, prepared for it to be my last time singing with this group. I walked in an hour late, expecting to have to wait outside since practice is usually in full-swing by then. Instead, as I walked up the stairs to the practice area I hear someone's loud sobs over the solemn hum of the choir. Everyone was standing and crowded around someone in the middle of the room. I take my place amongst the group, confused. I cannot see who everyone is surrounding so I just bow my head and begin to hum along with the rest of the choir. Suddenly the crowd parts and I see none other than Jasmine. Her face is red and damp with tears as she is overcome with emotion.

My heart drops as my stomach sinks. I'm paralyzed with alarm. Ignoring etiquette, I whisper to the girl beside me. "Please tell me nothing happened to her mom..."

My neighbor whispers back. "Oh no. She stopped rehearsal to come forward and tell the choir how much we've meant to her since she's come to college. She said with everything that her mom is going through, we've given her the support she needed to stay strong. She said there's someone in the choir who has really affected and inspired her through their strength. She wouldn't say who but she said this person has really been a blessing and given her hope that everything with her mom will be fine."

As I listen to this, I make sudden eye contact with Jasmine and I knew. This person who had affected her was me. As she was being enveloped in hugs, Jasmine smiled at me and mouthed "thank you." I immediately felt tears welling up in my eyes. "Okay God," I said in my head. "I get it."

After everyone consoled her, I approached Jasmine and before I could say a word she wrapped her arms around my neck and sobbed. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. As I finally pulled away, I whispered, "I'm really glad I met you." In an attempt to respond, Jasmine let out another loud sob and nodded.

Looks like this choir is where I'm supposed to be for now.

Getting Back on Track

I don't know what's going on with me. I haven't been doing my injections for two-weeks now and I can't really blame it on forgetfulness. To be honest, I've been avoiding it. I'd gotten so used to being "normal" again over the summer, when I was off medication for two-months, that it made it even harder for me to pick up and begin again. This medication has to be injected every day and it leaves me feeling sore for the rest of the day (and sometimes week). It's a pain (literally), so you can't blame me for not wanting to do it...right?

Wrong. This is my life that I'm trying to save and I really am ridiculous for not taking it seriously. I can't give myself any credit.

Unfortunately, this fact didn't dawn on me until today. When I first got on this new medication in August, I requested that the medication company have a mentor with MS contact me for moral support and additional information. A 55 year old woman contacted me and told me about how she had been diagnosed at a time when there was no medication for MS. She joined the trial for the medication in the 90's, and there was not turning back for her. She also told me about three different occasions when she had experienced episodes that left her wheelchair-bound and unable to feed herself. Luckily, she recovered but she believes it had a lot to do with her persistence in administering the medication.

So, along with avoiding the injections, I had also been avoiding this woman's calls. I didn't expect her to keep in touch with me, so when she called once every two weeks, I was overwhelmed. I'm tired of being reminded that I have MS. After missing yet another injection this morning, I was surprised when the mentor called me from a different number this afternoon. She told me she had been worried about me and wanted to check-in (sweet, right?). I was flattered and reluctantly admitted to her that I hadn't been administering my injections as I should.

After admitting this, my mentor proceeded to lay me out. She asked me what was going on...did I care about my future? Did I care enough to give my body a chance to fight this disease? She told me again what she had been through and told me that this very well could happen to me as well if I don't get serious.

"It's time for you to GROW UP, Jessica," she said. "We have to do things we don't want to do in life, and this is one of them. Do you want to wake up one day, unable to walk, see or feed yourself, and realize you never gave yourself a fair chance?"

She shocked me. I had only spoken to this woman once but her compassion and anger surprised and flattered me. This tough love was exactly what I needed. I got off the phone tearful and angry at myself for not taking this seriously. I know the risks, have experienced scary symptoms (not nearly as severe as this woman's, but with the potential to be) and had proceeded as if I didn't care. I raced back to my room and did my injection immediately, promising myself I would do better and probably get counseling soon if my attitude doesn't change.

I'm going to do better and start getting serious about my life. I know things can get overwhelming but my health should obviously be a first priority. She recommended that I make a rule that, no matter what, I would not brush my teeth in the morning until I did my injection. Knowing that I would never dare to leave the dorm without brushing my teeth, I think this will help me prioritize.

I fell of track a little, but I feel like this woman calling me was God's gift to me today. She was the only one that could have given me that message and made it sink in. And although I've never met her, she helped me to get back on track.