Don't Judge Me!

"Don't judge me!" "Only God can judge me." "I feel like you're judging me." "I just don't want you to judge me." "Okay...so, don't judge me but..."

I have heard people say these exact words my entire life...but I've never understood exactly what they meant until recently. Now, I feel like I suddenly have a better understanding of what it's like to be judged, what it is to judge others and what it's like to be scared of someone's judgment.

It all goes back to one of my biggest fears...people knowing that I have Multiple Sclerosis. Blogging about it is one of the hardest things I've done, but I decided I need to overcome it. Pressing "Publish Post" is honestly a chore, every single time I write about it. Why? Because I'm so afraid of your judgment. Like many people who deal with an illness, I didn't want to broadcast that I had MS, because I didn't want people to think I was sick. Or handicapped. Or weak. Or incapable...because I'm NOT!

Some say MS is like a fingerprint: everyone can deal with different symptoms. While some may deal with immobility and are wheelchair-bound, my main symptom (currently) is fatigue. Praise God that I can get up in the morning and move around (though clumsily lol). Though more mature, enlightened, encouraged and empowered; I am the exact same Jess that most of you knew before I was diagnosed a year ago.

Being young and naive, I used to wonder, "how can you judge someone by simply observing what they are?" Well, younger self, you really have no clue WHO they are. It's rare that any of us actually know the whole story.

In our minds, we've already figured out the person's entire back-story. The girl who sleeps around was actually raised by an abusive pedophile who made her feel like sex was the only path toward real love. The girl with leukemia is actually in remission and runs a mile every morning. The boy with the name-brand clothes grew up with an adoptive family that spoiled him as much as they could because he had never been spoiled before. La'Phrankeisha actually comes from the most suburban, wealthy neighborhood in California and she's here at school on a full scholarship.

Sure, these circumstances may not always be the case...but how would we know? All we can really worry about is ourselves. How we perceive others and how others perceive us is truly subjective.

It's true, only God can judge any of us. Only He knows the untold story and what really lies beneath our masks. I challenge each of you to watch your thoughts and watch how you perceive people. You never know what they have been through or why they do what they do.

On that note: Yes, I have Multiple Sclerosis. And yes, [just about] anything you can do...I can do better ;)

When I Grow Up...

What you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? I'm betting that it's pretty different than what you're doing (or preparing to do) now. Based on the direction I'm headed in...my career could be pretty different, too.

As kids, we were very in touch with what we liked, what we didn't like, what we wanted and what we didn't want. What happened? As time passed, we became bombarded with outside influences that make us scatterbrained, indecisive and less confident in our childhood dreams. For all we know, these influences could have set us back farther away from our purpose.

I recently read If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You, by Kelly Cutrone. As a child, she would execute large-scale neighborhood events and fundraisers. Now as an entrepreneur, PR mogul and icon; she talks about how she rediscovered her childhood dreams and has never been happier or more confident that she is fulfilling her purpose. Best of all...she loves what she does!

As a child, I was beyond sure that I would be a writer. Not a journalist, but an author. And not just an author, but a BEST-SELLING author (I've always been ambitious lol). I also promised myself that I would open my own bookstore/cafe' called Timbuktu ("where every race came to get books to learn from black teachers who taught Greeks and Romans, Asian, Arabs..." -Nas, I Know I Can). I wrote three novels during elementary, middle and high school (all over 100 pages), but I never let anyone read them (out of fear of criticism). Yet, looking back over them, I think they're pretty good...if I do say so myself :)

But where did our dreams and plans go? I think we started looking at other peoples' successes, statistics, how much work it takes to obtain our visions...and suddenly, these dreams don't seem too realistic. I think we start following in another person's path, hoping to gain the same fulfillment and results- when our hearts really aren't in it.

I think I'm going to have a few people look at my latest novel and give me some feedback. I may be able to make publishing moves now! Maybe I could even invest in a little hole-in-the-wall and become an entrepreneur sooner than I imagined! Now that I think about it, I also had dreams of being a background singer (harmonizing and snapping from left to right), and even being a mayor of a small town. Those dreams may seem pretty silly now...but I was more confident in them than ever, when I was younger.

I think it's time I rediscovered my passion and childhood dreams. Sometimes our purpose is clear...it's what has been in front of our faces all along!

Whether you always saw yourself as a teacher, chef, an artist, designer, a mom, a dad, a firefighter, an actor, doctor, preacher or even the president of the country...maybe it's time for you to revisit that vision! Remember when teachers used to tell us we could be anything we put our minds too? Well, I'm pretty sure that it's still true!

Back to the Future

Have you seen the movie series, Back to the Future? Made in the '80's, the series stars Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox, who use a DeLorean time machine to travel to the past (1955) and in Part II, to the future (2015). I watched the second movie on ABC Family and started to subconsciously compare their vision of the future to where we are now. It's funny how a lot of what the producers and writers predicted, has now come to fruition. Some predictions were also made in literature. The first being the Bible's Book of Revelations (which is too deep for me to even attempt to write about), and others in examples like 1984 by George Orwell or even Aldous Huxley's Brave New World.

While many of these "predictions" have come true, one must wonder if the predictions are actually inspired forecasting or simply self-fulfilling prophecies. In my opinion, it's the power of envisioning. We see what others envision (or even what we personally envision) and subconsciously/consciously work to bring these visions to light. The same can be applied to horoscopes that magically seem to come true, or even fortune-telling tarot cards.

So, where did these visions lead us? After watching Back to the Future, Part II- I started wondering how culturally far we are from what others predicted. Attempting to place myself in the mindset of someone from the past, transported to now, here's what I discovered:

1. Robots taking jobs?

So, remember how we used to bring or groceries to the cashier, who would bag them for us? Not anymore! There's this phenomenon called "self check-out" and it's in almost every store I visited! Not only did I have to scan and bag the groceries myself...I didn't have to speak to one human the whole time! Speaking of interaction...want to rent a movie? Why bother going to the store and actually interacting with a clerk to find the one you want? Now, you can go to something called "Redbox" and press a few buttons to get the movie you want. Don't feel like going out? Order a movie straight to your TV with something called Netflix!

2. WOW! Life-Sized Barbies?!

I have been seeing "plastic women" all day. Black women have long, straight hair with narrow, straight noses and some even have bright, blue eyes! I've seen white women with huge breasts, huge backsides and faces that show no expression when they talk. I saw an Asian woman today with large, green eyes! Last week I even saw an obese Latina women enter a hospital and hours letter come out thinner than a toothpick! What is going on??

3. I can read people's minds! (Literally)

So, I used to always wonder what people were thinking...now I can get a computer (a machine that seems to host an entire world) and read random people thoughts on website like Twitter and Facebook. And I don't even have to respond to them!

4. There's INSTANT access to info.

People used to complain about informational divides, but now, almost everyone can receive information on ANYTHING with the click of a button! The term "google it" is more common than "do you know...?"

5. YOUR BABY CAN READ!

6. Big Brother

Big Brother is watching and people are actually giving in! Cell phones (personal phones that stay attached to the human body) can track individuals within a one mile radius...even when they're not on the phone! Think people would protest this? Well, they actually REPORT where they are and what they're doing to the world on the Internet!

7. Video Chat

I can actually look at you as I speak to you on the phone!

8. The Green Movement

People think that the world is going to come to an end if they continue to do simple things such as throw away (instead of recycling) trash, drive cars or even cut down a tree! Now, the focus is on "all-natural" foods, walking to work and even driving electric cars! Flying cars haven't emerged yet.

9. THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA/LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD IS BLACK.

And he looks NOTHING like the other presidents on the classroom timeline.

These phenomenons that we commonly regard with little thought as to how they came about, were all derived by the imagination (or vision) of others. Want to predict your future? Envision it and I can pretty much guarantee you that it will come true. Your future is in your head.

*Can you think of any other "futuristic" things that are happening right now? Try to think of yourself as a visitor from the past and feel free to share...I find futuristic things everywhere!

Touched by an Angel

I've always felt protected. And I'm not talking about that "safe feeling" we may get when around family or other loved ones. I'm talking about being covered...enveloped...cloaked, by something ethereal. Something divine. When I was younger, I felt like a guardian angel was constantly beside me. What some refer to as a "conscious," I always regarded as the voice of my angel. Whether it was that feeling in the pit of my stomach, whisper of warning in the back of my head, or even simple things that seemed to be a sign from above; I always thought of these feelings and experiences as direct communication from the "man with the master plan."

I was in elementary school when my family's car broke down on the highway, on the way to Louisiana. Engine problems had stopped us on a bridge, with no lights and no form of communication (there were no cell phones back then) in the dead of the night. I remember my little brothers crying because they were scared and even the panicked/shaken looks on my parents' faces as they whispered about what to do. And me? I had that feeling again. I was covered. My family was covered, and we would all be okay. In my mind, my angel had already started solving the issue- we just had to wait patiently.

My dad took off walking down the highway, trying to flag down some help, while my mom got me and my two brothers out of the car and away from the edge of the bridge. Within about ten minutes (which seemed much longer at the time), a huge 18-wheeler pulled in front of us. My dad came jogging back in the darkness. After speaking to the man through the truck window, he looked to us, standing in a scared huddle by our van. "I found help!" he said.

My mom looked at my dad with a wary look. "He's just going to give us a lift to the truck stop," my dad said. "It's a mile up the road, at the next exit." My dad sounded surprisingly reassured. We all headed to the truck.

On the way to the truck stop, my family stayed quiet as the truck driver (Frank) talked to my dad. He was pale as a ghost and pretty scraggly-looking, but something about him radiated positively. I listened over the rumble of the truck's wheels. "It's all going to be alright," Frank said to my dad. "God never puts folks in a place without reason. I was meant to see you all tonight." The more he conversed with my dad, the more sure I became. It was clear...this man was an angel! I tugged on my mom's sleeve as they talked.

"Mom," I whispered. "Look! He's an angel...I can see his wings under his jacket." My mom shushed me but looked warily at the trucker's back. To her, he probably looked hunch-backed. But to me, I was convinced that there were big, strong wings hidden underneath that leather.

"I'm gonna take y'all to this truck stop right up here," the angel said as we pulled off the exit. "I come through here once or twice a-week while I'm making my stops to sit down at the diner next door. I always get a coffee from a nice lady named Angela. I know everyone in there and I'm sure they'll take care of you."

As we parked next to the diner, the angel hopped out. "I'm gonna get some gas," he said. "Y'all take your time, I'll be in there in a bit to make sure you got everything sorted out."

My dad nodded and headed inside to use the phone, while my mom escorted my brothers and me to a booth in the diner. Sure enough, we were greeted moments later by an older black woman by the name of "Angela." She took our order and gave us a list of numbers to call for tow services and car shops. After about ten minutes, my dad came walking back to the table.

"Frank's gone," he said, confused.

"But I thought..." Mom started.

"Who's that y'all lookin' for?" Angela asked, as she approached with a coffee pot.

"Frank," Dad answered. "He's the truck driver that brought us here. I just wanted to give him some money for his troubles..."

Angela stared at us strangely, "Well, I know every single trucker that comes through here Sir...I don't know no Frank."

Mom and Dad got quiet. "He said he passes through a couple times a week.." my mom explained. "He actually mentioned your name, too."

Angela shook her head and asked the other three waitresses if they knew of a Frank. They all shook their heads, confused. "I'm sorry Sir," Angela said. "Never heard of 'em."

I smiled and looked up. Covered.


Have you been touched by an angel?