Happy Anniversary?

Today is June 28, a year from the day that this crazy journey with MS began. I just realized it when looking at the timeline that I did last year. That's all I could really do at the time. My mom told me I should document everything since it was all happening so fast, so I did just that. Documented what I was feeling and left all emotions out of it. Thinking back, I don't even really know what emotions I experienced. I was very out-of-touch. The one thing I can remember was frustration. And not frustration about the diagnosis, but frustration that I was going to have to sit through long appointments instead of do my work and get on with my life.

It kind of reminds me of this car accident I got in once. It was 2007, and I was driving to the football game at school. As I was preparing to make a left turn at the light, the car that I thought had stopped during the yellow light, suddenly barrelled forward while I was in the middle of the intersection. My body jerked forward (that's the day I found out that my car didn't have airbags smh), and I was suddenly and completely halted in the street with another car dented into mine. When I finally realized what had happened, I was so...FRUSTRATED. Not frustrated that my car was totaled, but frustrated that I wasn't going to be able to make it to the game. That's the first thing I remember thinking about...like, "Dang, I'm already late for first quarter. I don't have time for this."

Weird, huh? Well, that's the same emotion I remember feeling as people poked me with needles and prodded me with cold objects asking if I could feel it. I was thinking, "UGH, I don't have time for this." When they finally told me I had multiple sclerosis, I was remember thinking..."Okay, well give me some medicine! I have an internship I need to get to!" It was everyone else's reaction that made me realize that this was kind-of serious. Almost all of my friends burst out crying after hearing the news. Confused, I tried to console them..but I slowly started to become more concerned. What was I really dealing with here?

It's now a year later and I can say that I am a very different person than I was a year ago. I see the world differently. I see myself differently. I even see people differently. I have new level of empathy and a new level of wisdom that could not have been gained any other way.

Physically, I'm in better shape than I was before. I've taken an interest in trying to control the things that I can, because MS is enough to deal with. I have a high tolerance for pain, and I now know how to not only assemble and fill a syringe, but give myself injections- something I thought would be impossible, last year. I get tired around 3:00 (like most people), but this tiredness can become almost debilitating every hour that passes.

Mentally, I try to stay sharp. Though there are constant threats of physical impairment, I'm most scared of the cognitive impairment. That's the reason why I've tried to learn a new word everyday, continue writing and start reading again. I've always been a little slow to catch-on to concepts, but I work even harder to understand now.

Socially, I am constantly fighting the urge to be a recluse. Everyday I wake up, I think about how nice it would be to lay around in the bed all day and not answer my phone for anyone. My phone began to stress me out last semester, hence the reason why I always keep it on silent. Sophomore year, I feel like I hid in my room. My room was my refuge where I could choose to NOT answer when someone knocked on my door (which happened often). I don't know why this began to happen after my diagnosis- maybe it was the medication (which is known to cause depression), but I do know that I have to continue to fight this reclusiveness because interaction is essential to growth.

And because of this knowledge, I am actively trying to put myself in social situations that may make me uncomfortable, but will also facilitate further growth. Side note: It's funny...I contacted over 10 places in Raleigh expressing my desire to volunteer. Following my aunt's (STRONG) suggestion that I also contact the MS Society, I waiting about a week to hear back from one of the organizations. Guess which one contacted me? That's right, the MS Society not only contacted me about becoming a Wellness Counselor and Speaker, but they also asked me to come in THIS week for one-on-one training. What's even more interesting is that they weren't even aware that I have MS. Funny how God works, huh? (Still haven't heard back from the other organizations). So, it looks like I have some public speaking in my future.

Spiritually, I've never been closer to God. I constantly feel His presence and it doesn't scare me; it comforts me. I constantly talk to Him and try to say "thank you" everyday that I can sit-up, swing my legs out of the bed and walk to the bathroom. It's funny how I would have never thought to thank Him for something that simple, before.

I know God's not done with me yet. I also know that there are going to be much worse things to come my way. It's my trust and faith in God that assures me that I will experience nothing that I can't bear...and I'll never face it alone.


In retrospect, it's amazing how God works. I would have never gained this insight and wisdom any other way; so, in a way, I'm thankful for MS. I'm thankful for the person that it is molding me into and the wisdom that it has given me. I'm thankful that I faced something this traumatic so early, because I fee; betterh equipped for any future bumps in the road. I am becoming a spiritual warrior...growing stronger everyday.

Entertainment as Food: You Are What You Eat

"I release all disappointment
from my mental, physical, spiritual and
emotional body..
Cause I know that spirit guides me
And love lives
inside me..
That's why I today I take life as it comes"

- "Healing" by India Arie

Whoo, that song gets me goin'. I have been addicted to India Arie and her lyrics since before I can remember. And what I love most about her songs is that they get stuck in my head. And they serve as positive re-enforcers that I repeat over-and-over-and-over to myself. Like "I am not my Hair," "Strength, Courage and Wisdom," "Video" and especially "Slow Down." I intentionally start my day with some India Arie, because who wouldn't want to have these positive messages secretly on repeat throughout the turmoil of the day? For example, the other day I got a lyric from her song, "Beautiful Flower," stuck in my head.

The part I kept mentally repeating was:

"You're beautiful like a flower, more valuable than a diamond, you are powerful
like a fire, you can heal the world with your mind.
There is nothing in the world that you cannot do when you believe in you. You are beautiful; yeah, you, you are brilliant; yeah, you, you are powerful; yeah,
you, you are resilient.."

What an awesome thing to repeat to yourself all day, right? What kind of songs or movie scenes get stuck in your head throughout the day? There really is a science in the power of self-talk. I wonder how psychologically different two people are, depending on what songs they get stuck in their heads. For example, if someone cannot stop thinking about that one really negative and degrading song...what affect does it have on self-esteem?

Just a thought.

I have a true affinity for songs that speak positivity and inspiration. Messages that actually mean something. For this reason, I admit, I am probably the opposite of eclectic. I like my Neo-Soul (India Arie, Jill Scott, Lauryn Hill, Musiq Soulchild)...and that's about it. I haven't even really listened to the local radio stations since I discovered Pandora. Now I can listen to my positive re-enforcing messages all day long lol. But I am also a fan of educated Hip-Hop. Early Kanye West, Drake (before he was discovered) and Common. I like people who actually have something meaningful to say...it's not just about a "great beat" to me.

What if we looked at entertainment as food or nourishment? We all need a healthy dose of it to stay healthy (or sane), though too much of it can be detrimental. When looking at the type of entertainment we eat, one must also be conscious of the type (or food group). Entertainment with seemingly negative messages (violent movies or degrading song lyrics) should by no means be banned, but eaten sparely- with caution. Too much of anything can have a negative effect. Degrading music can have a negative effect on our self-esteem and outlook on life. Violence in movies or television desensitizes us to the pain of others, thereby lowering our level of empathy. I sometimes wonder how I would react if I saw someone get shot at close-range or violently raped. I expect I'd be shocked, but at the same time...I've seen that same scene while watching Law & Order: SVU. Would I really be paralyzed with shock and fear?

One of my favorite movies is "Last Holiday," starring Queen Latifah as Georgia Byrd. In the movie, her doctor tells her that she has a fatal case of Lampington's Disease and only has 3-weeks to live. Byrd, who has lived a significantly simple and safe existence while keeping a book of "Possibilities," which features pages of her dreams- dream vacation, dream food and even a dream husband. Given this fatal diagnoses, she decides to live her dreams. I love this movie because though my diagnosis was not fatal, it was life-changing. MS could make anyone want to throw their hands up and give up. "Last Holiday," though silly...is one of those "feel good" comfort food movies for me...kind-of like cheesy mashed potatoes. It inspires me and also makes me feel like everything really will be okay.

There really is a power in thought. If you suddenly start to think your life sucks, best believe that things will start looking more and more gloomy everyday. If you suddenly start thinking, "My life is great. I am so happy," trust and believe that those birds will be chirping a little louder each day. Don't believe me? Try it! The power of thought is magical.

Many people don't realize how much our thoughts can affect us...not just mentally, but physically and emotionally too. In fact, It has been scientifically proven that people diagnosed with fatal or significantly impacting diseases often fare better when maintaining a positive attitude and positive outlook on life. For this reason, you can definitely find me watching what I "eat."

A Purpose-Driven Path

I need to get my life together and commit to writing everyday. I know it doesn't have to be a novel...it can even be shorter than a paragraph. I just need to get all these thoughts out somehow.

Update on MS: My body built up SUPER antibodies to Betaseron. So, my decision comes down to Copaxone, Tysabri or nothing. Here's a quick overview of what I'm thinking: Though Copaxone is administered through injections, I'm used to giving myself injections now- so while it's a pain (literally), I can deal with it. Why deal with it? Well, I need Tysabri (the other drug) to get some more years under its belt. It's been out for less than five years and it's only side effect is a fatal brain disease that 1/1000 people can potentially develop. Statistics don't have much of a positive effect on me though because I've always seen myself in the minority of the statistic. For example, not many people get Multiple Sclerosis...but I did. Not many people build up antibodies to interferon...but I did. Not many people make bad decisions and get caught...but I do. So...I'm not a big fan of odds. I think I'm going to deal with the injections for a little longer while Tysabri gets more research. MS is not fatal and it is already proven to lead to disability, so why, at this age, would I put myself at risk for fatality and higher risk of disability? Just my thoughts...

You may be thinking, "you're basically asymptomatic, why not just avoid medication?" Well, after speaking with God one-on-one, we've agreed that He'll take care of me if I take care of myself. That's why I've been working-out three times a week, taking my vitamins (for once) and finally doing some research on this thing called MS.

As for an Internship Update: Let's just say I'm learning a lot about corporate America...it's been a month now and I'm starting to get the hang of everything: the corporate mentality, writing adaptability and I've even mastered Microsoft Sharepoint. However, I've also learned that having a thick skin is one of the most important variables in the equation of "making it." That's taken me a little bit longer to develop (what can I say? I'm a sensitive person).

So, I've really been thinking about the whole "divine purpose thing" lately and I've made some pretty deep conclusions. @RevRunWisdom said the other day, "Your talents are God's gift to you. What you do with those talents is your gift to God." After reading that piece of wisdom, I started thinking about my own talents and how I could use them. Then I started thinking more deeply about it. It's funny how my greatest experiences in life have come from chances that I took. These chances were never ones I was comfortable with, but I ended up gaining more fulfillment from it in the end (and inspiring more people, too).

With that said...let's just say that I'm planning to do something BIG, very soon. It's a plan to basically showcase myself and my talents to hundreds (maybe thousands) of people while also speaking out about my walk with MS and the wisdom I've gained from it. I'm not completely comfortable OR sure that I can carry-out this plan (and I'm VERY scared)- but that's what I'm excited about. I'm planning to put myself OUT of my comfort zone to hopefully get closer to my own divine purpose. Stay tuned...

Too Many Coincidences

I've got goosebumps right now. Ever feel like you've stumbled down a path that God MEANT for you to follow? That's how I feel right now, except more intense. There are just too many "coincidences" going on in my life right now for me to think that they really are just random occurrences. God has been trying to speak to me lately and I've finally gotten the hint.

After being diagnosed with MS last year, some of you may have wondered what happened and what I did. Well, in true Jess-form, I kept on truckin. I learned how to do the every-other-day injections and I went back to school like nothing had happened. I kept my illness to myself, I discreetly escaped to my room to "handle my business," and I made straight A's. Most people probably wouldn't have guessed my inner turmoil. But something had indeed happened, within a few weeks my life had changed forever. Looking back at myself, I'm amazed at how I was even able to ACT like I was okay! How could I be okay? It was like a part of me had died, never to return again. That part of me was the innocent, never-had-to-truly-struggle-before kid. All of a sudden, at 19 years old, I knew TRUE heartbreak, TRUE sadness, TRUE anger and TRUE uncertainty.

Sure those emotions are common; but trust me, I came closer to those feelings than ever before- so close it was as if a knife was being cut into my flesh. What I should've done is let myself bleed. Instead, I quickly bandaged myself before the wounds could truly heal. Now, I'm I'm left with scars. Scars that will probably never really go away- but it's not necessarily a bad thing. The scars will always serve as a reminder that I'm supposed to be doing something with this struggle. This is my testimony.

What a "coincidence" that the subject of my pastor's sermon two weeks ago was about sharing your testimony. He said your story is not for you...it's for others. It's for others to be inspired. Keeping a testimony to oneself is, in some aspects, selfish. I heard him. But I didn't really HEAR him.

It's funny how things happen. I ended up at the internship that I am at now, seemingly by chance. I am now the Social Media Intern at Allscripts, an up-and-coming Healthcare company that specializes in electronic medical records. Healthcare...something I've come to learn so much about in the past year; from insurance, to co-pays, to follow-ups, to record keeping. What a "coincidence" that I would end up here, after applying to more than 20 other companies (none of which invited me to their programs).

When meeting and conversing with my new co-workers, I thought about what my pastor said. It had always been so hard to tell people about my MS...so I rarely did. But "something" told me to do it when I talked with a few of my new colleagues. I told them that what drew me to the company was the fact that I am a patient. Diagnosed with MS last year, I knew how important and innovative their work in healthcare was. I saw their product and company through a unique lens. After sharing this, the reactions I received were similar. Both (Senior Vice Presidents) looked surprised, sad, amazed...and slightly uncomfortable. But they both admitted that my honesty was refreshing, genuine and...inspirational. What a "coincidence."

As the social media intern for the company, I advise on many things, including blogging. Yesterday, on my third day of my internship, I decided to read over some of my blog posts from last year. That's when I came across my post about the diagnosis (yet another "coincidence"). I saw comments that I hadn't previously seen- one that referred me to a girl in a similar situation. I was immediately intrigued and clicked on the hyperlink to her blog. At 29 years old, this girl was the closest to my age that I had ever met, dealing with MS. As I read about her struggles with the disease (which were much more severe than my own), I was surprised at her faith. She not only spoke about dealing with MS, but she also talked about how she had come to fully and completely put herself in God's hands. Despite blindness, immobility and all things associated with MS, she was healed. She regained all of her functioning by faith. As I read her posts, I found myself crying in the middle of my job. This was amazing...and NO coincidence.

After reaching out to this girl, I realized that God was really trying to tell me something. For the past day, I've been feeling like he's right in front of me- looking me in my eyes, shaking me like "c'mon Jess...do ya get it yet?" Well, I don't really understand what God is trying to tell me, but I think it may be that I'm supposed to starting writing again. And not just writing, but sharing my story. Talking about what I've been through and what I'm going through. And if there is a greater plan (which I'm sure there is), I am positive that it will come to fruition.

I've got to start re-evaluating my faith and my trust in God. I kept my MS to myself out of fear...fear of judgement, fear of unwanted sympathy, fear of making people uncomfortable. But, it's time for me to take these bandages off and showing off these wounds that I bear. I just pray that I inspire SOMEONE to do the same.

If you're reading this right now, I'd like to officially welcome you to my life. This is me, uncovered, uninhibited and undeniably ready. Hold on tight...it's definitely gonna be a bumpy ride.